Punzel's Private Journal

January the 21st, and a Sunday

I can barely write these words, but Zero is gone ... and it is my fault, just as sera Charmiam has screamed at me so many times this eve. Zero and I talked earlier this eve, and he did again accuse me of conspiring to murder someone ... and then he did reveal that he had told this other person things which I had revealed to him in confidence. I was so hurt ... I felt so utterly shocked by these betrayals, that I did tell him that if he did indeed consider me capable of even considering murder ... if he had indeed revealed things I had told to him as secrets ... then never more would he be friend to me. That if he had betrayed me so, he would be my enemy until the day he died. He then stated that he would make certain that he was not my enemy, and he did race from my room ... I followed, pleading with him to talk to me. He paused to say something to sera Charmiam about her not wanting to marry him, and then continued to run. I chased him as quickly as I could to the roof of the north stairway ... where he stepped up onto the parapet, in a recreation of that moment so many weeks ago ... that eve when first he told me that he thought me his soul-mate. As I did then, I again asked him to stop, again reached out my hand toward his, but this time ... this time, my hand touched only emptiness, and he was gone.

I have cried so many tears this eve ... my oath-brother sits beside me as I write this, and he tells me I must sleep ... that sleep will begin the healing of my heart. I know not if that is true ... this guilt will be with me all of my life ... but I will close this book with sad thoughts of my lost friend. Agopao sy, m' thymos o filos. Agopao sy. Ares Evlogo.

January the 22nd, and a Monday

Today was a difficult day, and I did hide much from the public eye in my grief. When I did at last emerge from my room, I faced many questions, which was emotionally very difficult, but I did come through it with much support from my friends ... especially Martel, Illiana, Margaret, Edanya, and Armsman Philo. Though I was not certain if I was emotionally able, I did also present my etiquette lecture this eve ... though when first I arrived in the room I did find sera Charmiam lying in wait for me. She hissed "Killer" at me and then left the room. I know she is in much pain, but that she can lash out to me when I too do suffer this loss most painfully ... this is hard, and does seem to me only to worsen her own pain . I have urged many to seek her to offer comfort, and I hope in particular that Seeker Margaret can help her in her grief and anger. And I hope also that in time sera Charmiam decides that hatred of me does only make her own pain greater, and can heal her own heart so that she has no need of wounding my own.

Tonight Rand did curse to me a pox on honor, and did speak ill of the Duelists, and did declare his intention to swear the Duelists' oath without meaning it in his heart. He also did ask me to hide these dishonorable intentions from the guild, which I told him I could not do, and that I thought it wrong of him to ask. How can one who has admitted an intention to lie, and asked me to aid in this, ever be trusted again?

January the 23rd, and a Tuesday

I did mostly stay confined to my room today, though I did venture out for a portion of Martel's sword practice in the afternoon, and again in the evening to speak some while with sera Mintle, my able assistant and good friend. Quiet time alone with Martel has done much to help me regain my balance, and does permit me to compose myself more appropriately for talking with others. My grief is no less, but I do now try to confine my tears to my private chamber, and not burden all with my pain. Tomorrow is my triad's induction into the Duelists' Circle, and I would not have my own recent loss cloud that event for them -- and, aye, even for me ... as this induction is a solemn and joyful moment in my life, which is not to be underestimated in these dark times.

If it were not for Martel's quiet and steady support, I know I could never be so strong. I am grateful for his love every day.

January the 24th, and a Wednesday

Tonight saw the induction of my triad into the Duelists' Circle, and we now wear the pins of that guild, and carry swords in black scabbards. I still cannot seem to believe it! I attended my first sword practice with the Duelists, taught by sera Allenya, almost exactly four months ago ... and it is nearly three months since I did begin my serious quest for a triad. I do remember how uncertain I was for a while, those months ago before I had decided to seek a triad, when I was still attempting to find my path. Faer and I engaged in discussions on many topics, and she told me so oft that I had a Duelists' heart ... and even this eve she did comment to me that I have long been a Duelist, and that now it is but official.

I must admit that I still have not fully absorbed this change of status. I am so accustomed to showing deferential respect to the Duelists whose ranks I hoped to join ... and now I find myself one of them, in a democracy where all are equal. Martel was so happy, he kissed me numerous times in front of all ... I think we did make Faer uncomfortable, especially as Robert and Kiera were being affectionate as well. I like not to make Faer feel excluded, and so I must speak to Martel about being more discreet when we are with her.

Tomorrow is my first full day as a Duelist. I have noticed already that some seem to react differently to me ... most noticeably, the Watchmen I encountered this eve were more distant than usual. I can only hope that by remaining true to myself, I will retain those friends who are not prejudiced ... for the person I am inside has not changed with the wearing of this pin. I wear this pin because of the person I was before I ever did wear it.

January the 25th, and a Thursday

Today I worked much on the vigil gift for Illiana and Artegal, spent much of the daytime in pleasant conversation and sparring with Martel, and ran a gauntlet of evening activities.

First, I did meet with sera Charmiam and Seeker Margaret (in her Counselor role), in an attempt to settle the differences between the sera and myself. I am glad that sera Charmiam was willing to participate in this mediation, for I believe it did much good, and that though we are not friends, we may now not be enemies, and may put past pain behind us. Seeker Margaret was compassionate and wise, as always, and I am so grateful to her for her help in resolving this matter.

I then did attend my first Duelists' meeting as an official member, and was not required to wait in the hall! I must admit it was somewhat disappointing, for no great matters were discussed. We primarily discussed the recent troubles with Rand, and what is to be done about them. Only ser Edouard, who has heard little of what has happened, seems willing to trust Rand again ... for how can a guild devoted to honor welcome one who spoke as Rand did only three days ago?

We then did attend Rand's duel with Armsman Philo, for Rand had made an insulting joke about the Armsman, and then repeatedly slighted the Armsman by refusing to apologize. While I think that dueling over a joke is inappropriate, I completely support the Armsman in challenging Rand over his disrespectful and dishonorable conduct in the aftermath of the insult. (Rand has been behaving so strangely of late ... I hope the "Walker" creature will not reappear as it did so many times before.) The Armsman did win the duel, and Rand rendered at last a sincere apology, settling the matter quite appropriately.

Martel and I (and much of the rest of the Outer Bailey population) did then attend my oath-brother Duraze's lecture on a tale from the castle's history, a tale of rings made from a mysterious iron, and evil men who used these rings to perform evil deeds. Some strange and invisible presence did seem to lurk in the back of the room, making occasional noises that startled everyone. I know not what happened there, but mayhap some presence wants to observe the spreading of this tale to the general populace, either in support or disapproval. I hope that my oath-brother will be safe in these intrigues, as he does possess one of the rings, though it has been transformed (by someone foolishly speaking magic words from Duraze's manuscript) into a useless lump.

January the 26th, and a Friday

Today has been a day of little event. I attended both the morning and evening sword practices lead by the Duelists, and also auditioned for ser Harwood's play about the events surrounding the formation of our guild. I went to the auditions intending only to observe, but ser Harwood did seem so disappointed at having so few prospective actors that I volunteered to give it a try. I truly am too busy to take on another project, and so I am hoping that I am either not chosen, or kept purely in case of emergencies, in case someone else falls ill. At any rate, all who auditioned performed so well that I think ser Harwood will have no trouble casting the parts. I believe that sera Umichan would make an excellent sera Allenya, and ser Retribution an extremely amusing ser Kardiez.

This eve I did also wait to speak to Priestess Nadira on a small matter, and I have been thinking much of late about joining the Faith. For these long months now, I have tried to follow their precepts -- though I know I often fail, acceptance of that imperfection is itself part of the Faith. I have never felt a need to wear their leaf, but feel I should speak to the Priestess about what the wearing of the leaf would mean. As a Poet, Awakener, and Duelist, I am covered with trappings ... the Poets' rosette, the Awakeners' necklace, and the Duelists' scabbard and pin (though I do not wear the hat) ... do I truly need a green leaf to add to the decorative melee? I decided, however, that tonight was not the time to speak to Priestess Nadira of this, for my sister Illiana was waiting to speak with her about becoming an initiate ... and indeed, unbeknownst to me until hours later, Illiana was indeed inducted as an initiate of the Faith of Natura Balanus this eve. I know she has been thinking of this for some time, and when she did talk to me of it just before I did come here to my room to retire, she was so happy that lightened my heart just to see her.

And so I will to my bed with a gladdened heart. To see my sister so happy, and her vigil with Artegal but days away ... such joy is a boon to all.

January the 27th, and a Saturday

I spent much of this day with Martel, as has become our wont. We spent private time together this morn, and also did attend a wearyingly chaotic meeting of the Friends of the Muses (we were both curious about the guild, but I think we will not be returning) in the eve. These past few days, whenever the subject of marriage comes up in general conversation he grows so silent that I think it certain that one of my friends has spoken to him. Mayhap even my own thoughts have been clear to him, as we do seem to share one mind. I worry that I have made him uncomfortable, but am not certain what to do ... especially as I plan the celebration for Illiana and Artegal's vigil on Wednesday. It is difficult to avoid all mention of matters relating to marriage when that event approaches, but I try.

This eve I did lead the first meeting of the Courtesy Circle, the guild which is growing out of the circle that Dame Oriana did form in her etiquette classes these many months ago now. The first meeting went extremely well, with several persons attending: Martel, Duraze, Illiana, Watchman Artegal, ser Quondam, ser Mannfred, sera Drusilla, and ser Kaine. Several others had indicated interest as well, though they were not able to attend today. The meeting itself went so well, and so much enthusiasm was exhibited, that I did resolve to learn what would be necessary to become a chartered guild. When I spoke to Lord Chamberlain Launfal about the guild, he did seem most pleased and encouraging, and so I spent much of the rest of the eve in drafting a charter which I hope to complete and present to him within the week.

Later in the eve I did encounter Katherine and Lobo, and they did once again behave as if I was interrupting, and I did feel most unwelcome, and did excuse myself. This has happened the past few times I have happened upon them, and I grow increasingly uncomfortable with them. And ser Sylandros does tell me that ser Leto has asked permission to court my sister, and she has granted this permission ... which leaves me feeling as if Katherine is not even my friend, for I know so little of her life. Has her relationship with Felix -- whom she did call her heart's true love -- then officially ended? When did this happen? And how does she know ser Leto? Does she truly trust one who fades in and out of shadows so? But she tells me nothing of her life or her thoughts or her heart, and so I can only speculate and wonder, and grieve that we have grown so distant.

Duraze happened upon me on the roof where I was brooding on this estrangement from my sister ... and after talking with me some little while he did suggest that we go to spar that I might lose my melancholy in exercise. The sparring worked well, and cleared my mind. I am grateful to have an oath-brother who understands me so well, for his support this eve was most helpful.