Punzel's Private Journal

December the 3rd, and a Sunday

This eve I did attend an Awakeners meeting, led of course by sera Kiera. We discussed many things, and I did describe my notes on a lecture for the newly awakened, on the subject of Outer Bailey etiquette. Earlier in the day, however, Rand and I had encountered four newly awakened simultaneously in the western courtyard, and I once again found myself losing faith that I am truly able to fulfill these duties. One wanted to be a thief, which is explicitly against Her Majesty Queen Vivienne's laws; one wanted immediate access to the Armory, to obtain weapons and armor; one ranted at length about the evils of magic; and the other repeatedly asked if I would train him in use of the sword, but kept complaining of boredom and so ran out of the room anytime I did not answer him immediately. At one point, I simply sat in the middle of the courtyard and held my head, questioning my own sanity in trying to help anyone. One of these newly awakened, I think his name was ser Bjerger, was very polite and respectful ... another, ser Ferguson, seems a pleasant enough man, and we did reach a sort of truce after a bit of an argument. The other two sers, whose names I remember not, did try my patience most remarkably.

Later in the eve, my good friend Watchman Zero was in some sort of trance, and once he had revived, he admitted that the last thing he did remember was sera Charmiam touching his face ... and then he awoke in the Refectory. I like not the men closest to me being in trances, though in this case I do at least have a suspicion of who is to blame.

In other news this eve, ser Rand has chosen to join ser Ewan and ser Sansamor in a triad. After ser Gaerin's decision to rejoin ser Twulf and sera Jasmine, I must admit that I feel a bit abandoned. I am happy for my friends that they have formed complete triads, but I find myself also selfishly wondering when it will be my turn. I have found several whom I felt I could trust as oath-siblings, but fate does always seem to work against me. Mayhap, however, that is because my own true oath-siblings have not yet appeared. I will not question fate, but will try to wait patiently.

And today is also exactly one month since Martel did ask permission to court me, shocking me most amazingly, since he had seemed distant and angry with me in the days preceeding. My heart had been drawn to him almost from my first day of awakening, but I had not thought that he would ever return my feelings. I had but tried to be a good friend, and honest. I was most embarrassed one month ago when he did kneel at my feet, but his words did thrill my heart.

December the 4th, and a Monday

Many things happened today, but all vanishes from my mind after the events of this eve. My uncle, Lobo, revealed to me that he is in love with sera Diana, who is to marry ser Cedric. Some weeks ago, sera Diana had whispered to me of this situation, indicating her own soft feelings toward a 'friend' whom she would not name. The next time I saw her, she did seem very happy, and had become newly betrothed to ser Cedric, and I believed that she had finished the situation.

But tonight my uncle told me of his love ... and the last I saw him, he was standing on the parapet north of the practice room, expressing an intention to jump. I found myself unable to help him, and fetched Watchman Zero, who did only make matters worse by becoming increasingly depressed over his own love woes -- regarding both sera Nightraven and the ghost of Elinore -- and insisting that he too would jump. Watching two men I love in such a situation rendered me quite irrational, and I fear I was of no help whatsoever. Luckily, Katherine arrived, and did seem calm, and I did coax Zero off of the parapet, and took him away to speak, leaving Katherine -- at her own insistence -- to attempt to soothe uncle. I am sure she was able to calm him ... but I will not rest until I see him with my own eyes, for I could find neither him nor my sister when I did seek them after my talking with Zero.

Zero's instability was such that I did not want to be interrupted in my talk with him, and so I did bring him to my private chamber. He was disconsolate, and weeping most distressingly, but we did speak for nearly three hours, and he did seem soothed. It is strange that in the face of Lobo's woe, I feel completely helpless, but with Zero I seem to know what to say. He did tell me of a concept he called 'soul-mates', and said that he felt me to be his soul-mate. He does seem to understand me better than any other I have met here, and I do feel deeply connected with him. I will write no more, for my heart is confused.

December the 5th, and a Tuesday

This morn I did learn that sera Faer and ser Edouard have broken off their relationship ... I know not why. Sera Faer does seem so sad ... but she is a private person, and I will not press her to speak to me. I hope she does know that I will listen if she needs me.

I did also learn that my uncle is well, and that sera Diana did seek him yestereve after I left with Zero. My sister Illiana and I had some difficult conversation on the matter, for she felt very angry with sera Diana for refusing to make a choice.

Today also I did spend time with Martel at his afternoon sword practice, and just being with him has calmed my heart. Being in his presence brings me such a sense of peace and balance. Zero did arrive at the end of the practice, and did touch my finger ... our agreed signal for desperately needing to talk. I went with him onto the terrace, and he told me that he and Nightraven have ended their betrothal, have in fact ended their relationship. I let him speak as much as he needed, and did comfort him as well as I could, but only time will heal his heart.

Sera Charmiam did later seek me, and asked to speak privately with me. Before she could ask me why Zero was so sad, I did ask her what happened on Sunday eve between the time that she touched Zero's cheek and when he arrived in the Refectory in a trance. She did refuse to tell me, but subtly implied that he had shared her bed, and that it was his own honor that did prevent him from remembering. She claimed to fear for his sanity. I did tell her of Zero's grief, and did advise her to be a friend to him, rather than pursuing him as she has been doing. She does seem to hunt him like a wild animal, and his heart does not need that now. I did advise her to be patient, to listen to him and give him time to heal. I did advise her not to seek to get anything from him in his time of need. She insisted that she did not try to get anything from him, and I asked her, "Do you not want his heart, sera?" She responded, "I want his heart, his mind, his body, and his soul," which sent such feelings of protectiveness running through me that I almost could not speak in response. I did realize that I was jealous, and knew not what to do.

I did later speak with Zero at length in the cupola -- for that is what people have begun to call the circular green room ... though I remember a cupola as being on the roof of a structure, but no matter -- but I can write no more of what happened. We were very honest with each other, as friends should be ... but I now do wonder if such honesty is a good thing. I did write earlier that being with Martel calms my heart and brings me a sense of balance ... being with Zero seems to sometimes cause the opposite effect. My heart is in turmoil and I know not what to do. Tomorrow I will find Seeker Margaret if I can, to speak with her both of sera Diana, and of myself.

December the 6th, and a Wednesday

This morn I did spend mayhap more than a bell in private conference with Martel, and my heart is whole again. I love him, and have finally told him so, and at long last he has told me that he does love me, as well. We do hope to not be apart as much as we have been recently, for being held by him, kissing him and gazing into his eyes ... it feeds my soul and I cannot live long without it. I know not, though, if I should tell him of recent events between the Watchman Zero and myself. I do want us to be honest with each other, but I do not want to cause him pain, or cause him to pull away from me. I know that I must speak with Zero, and explain that we can be but friends, but need I also tell Martel? One part of me says yes, but the other part of me is afraid.

In my confusion, I did seek the advice of sers Rand and Duren. Both are very happy with seras now, and I do still value their friendship, and did think to get a man's opinion. But when I did briefly explain what had happened between Zero and myself, Duren did lose all control, behaving very violently, punching walls and storming repeatedly from the room. At length, he did insist that he would duel Zero to the death, but when I insisted that if he would duel anyone it would be me, he did collapse. Rand did fear that Duren would attack me, but I knew that he would not. In the end, we agreed to stay friends, but I know that he has lost respect for me. I cannot be perfect ... I cannot live up to his ideals ... and yet, even knowing that, I grieve for the loss of his regard. If Rand had not been there, I know not if I would have had the strength to face Duren down as I did. Rand is a good friend, and has been most understanding and supportive. I wish he could have been my oath-brother, but what is done is done, and I will not grieve for that.

And this eve I did speak with Zero, who had arrived at the same conclusions as I, though he did word them in ways that did sometimes wound me unintentionally. We agreed to be but friends, though he did swear oaths that I did try to discourage ... he would not be disuaded. Tomorrow, I must speak with Martel, for I think that truly I must be honest, or our love is meaningless. I know he will not react as violently as Duren, but I do hope that I can manage to tell him in a way that will not hurt him enough to push him away from me.

December the 7th, and a Thursday

This morn ser Rain -- with whom I did so publicly lose my temper some days ago in the practice room -- did speak most offensively to Rand in the Refectory. He did refer to Her Majesty Queen Vivienne as a 'false queen', and did repeatedly speak ill of the Duelists and of Rand. He said that their honor is 'a fiction'. He did repeatedly question Rand's honor, but would not accept Rand's challenge to a duel. In the end, Martel did insist on defending the honor of both Her Majesty Queen Vivienne and the Duelists, and Rain did oblige him by challenging him to a duel. Though Rand is angry that his own challenge went ignored, he will serve as Martel's second. And so Martel will duel ser Rain, who is not even worthy to clean Martel's boots.

Martel and I did also speak privately and at length about Zero, and I did tell him everything ... including the three kisses. He was clearly wounded, but we did speak long and openly, and he has forgiven me. The generosity and forgiveness of which he is capable do amaze and humble me. I do not think that I have ever been in a relationship like this one, and I did not realize that I was doing wrong until it was too late. I will not make the same mistake again ... I will earn Martel's trust by being always true to him, by being worthy of his heart. I will never give him cause to doubt me again.

The other events of the day were but minor. Martel and I did discuss clothing for the Winter Ball, which is but two days away. And the Duelists held their weekly meeting, which was open to prospective Duelists after the first hour. Sera Edanya, in the forcefulness of her personality, did monopolize the conversation in aggressive questioning of ser Edouard, until I did begin to feel uncomfortable at her apparent lack of respect. But I do know her but little as of yet.

December the 9th, and a Saturday morn

I did write no entry in this journal yestereve for I was ... indisposed. I made the mistake of trying the beer that Duren does seem so fond of, and found that I like neither the taste nor the effects. Armsman Philo walked me to my room, and I did realize how little I have seen him in recent weeks. We once were such close friends, and now he does seem almost a stranger at times. When we meet in the Refectory, I know not what to say to him ... and he does rarely initiate conversations with me, either. At one time, he was both a Watchman and a man ... now he does seem to be on-duty at all times ... always busy with an investigation. And since he cannot speak of his investigations, we seem to have little to talk about. I miss my friend. Mayhap that is part of the reason things happened as they did with Zero. I know not.

December the 10th, and a Saturday eve

Today was the Winter Ball, as well as much preparation beforehand and talk afterward. My day started with the poetry contest in the Refectory, where sers Sylandros and Dagaron and sera Zenaida did present such lovely poems. If I had had a spare guest invitation, I would have given it to ser Dagaron, for I would not have been able to choose between his poem and sera Zenaida's. Ser Sylandros is, however, the best poet I have had the honor to hear in this place. He recited two pieces which did touch my heart as much as the others I did hear him recite yesterday. He is a very fine poet, and would be a credit to the Brotherhood if he does choose to join. And Armsman Philo did attend the contest, and did wear his rosette, and I was most happy to see him there, in an unofficial capacity.

And then, at last, there was the Winter Ball. I know not how to describe it. We did even see Her Majesty Queen Vivienne, but I did see her only from a distance. The Inner Bailey is wondrous and beautiful ... though I did not see it all. Martel and I did dance early in the evening, but the room did become crowded, and I did at one point suggest to Martel that we might dance downstairs in the garden, where I did think it might be very romantic. But in the latter part of the evening he was very distracted with other matters, and we did never dance again. I did not in fact even get to see the garden, and did feel most sad afterward. For I will not be returning to the Inner Bailey anytime soon. Martel, Armsman Philo, and my sister Katherine (among others -- including sera Arrion and ser Brahm, who have emerged from their rooms but 3 or 4 times in the past several weeks) have been named 'honored guests', and can now enter the Inner Bailey at will. And, as Martel and Armsman Philo (along with sera Catharsis, most unexpectedly!) have been invited to compete in a quest for knighthood, I know that I will see Martel even more infrequently than I have before this. For I cannot reenter the Inner Bailey, and I know that he will spend much time there from this time forward. It is important to his goals, and I can be no part of that.

In fact, if anything, I am a hindrance, for I did unintentionally offend Sir Cyril during the Ball, by asking a question about Duelists and broken oaths, and did find myself too shy to engage in any interesting conversation with the other nobles we met afterward. Sir Gaudis did seem kind, but while in my presence he did speak almost exclusively with Martel and Armsman Philo, as they did ask him questions about the path to knighthood. I did find myself standing with little to do, unsure if I should leave Martel's side to try to enjoy myself alone, or whether I should stay to be supportive. In the end, I stayed, and was cold in the courtyard, and felt very alone, though standing in a group. Martel did barely speak to me in the last hour of the Ball, and in the end I did leave alone. He found me some time afterward to briefly wish me goodnight, and then was gone.

I did feel very sad in the aftermath of the Ball. I felt hurt that ones such as sera Arrion and ser Brahm, who have contributed so little to the Outer Bailey and do only leave their rooms for important events, were honored by Her Majesty, when I who have worked so hard was not. I know that it is petty and selfish ... but I do wish that those who have contributed so much, without necessarily leading guilds, had been somehow recognized for their efforts. I speak not only of myself, for I am not so self-absorbed as that, but there are many who have contributed much, who were nevertheless ignored, and have hurt feelings as a result. I think especially of my uncle Lobo, who has helped so many through the Rememberers. I fear that he has been slighted most unwarrentedly.

I was also sad at Martel's lack of attentiveness ... at the romantic evening that could have been and was not. I did speak a while with Armsman Philo afterward, and then did happen upon Watchman Zero alone in the Refectory. Zero was concerned for Nightraven, and asked to speak with me. After attempting to speak in a few places where we were repeatedly interrupted, Zero did lead me to the dungeon! It was quite an adventure! He did give me his cloak to wear, for I was still cold from my time in the courtyard at the Ball, and we did talk for some time. He asked me why I was sad, and I spoke to him of my woe over Martel. He says that my importance in Martel's life will always be less than Martel's goals and ambitions, and that I must decide if I can live with that. I did tell him of my sadness that I did not get to dance in the garden of the Inner Bailey, and he did promise me that if ever we gain entrance to the Inner Bailey again, he will dance with me there. And then we did dance in the dungeon, Zero carefully guiding me around the oubliette in the center of the floor, and I did smile and laugh until my face hurt with it. He is a good and dear friend, and my heart was lighter when I did retire, even though I know that I must think on his words about Martel.