Punzel's Private Journal

December the 10th, and a Sunday

Today Sara was struck in the face by ser Heldunder, who has been such a trial since his awakening, and I ran all throughout the castle in search of Armsman Philo. I did finally locate the Armsman, and the culprit was arrested and thrown into the dungeon. Sara was understandably distressed, and so I did suggest to her that we might dance in the courtyard, which we proceeded to do for quite some time. Duren and Katherine and even sera Kiera did eventually join us, and a merry time was had by all.

Tonight there was also a meeting of the Poets' Brotherhood, at which Zero did recite a very sad poem about the end of his relationship with sera Nightraven, and Martel did sing a song also about lost love, though of a different sort. Many fine poems were presented, and a few very peculiar ones. Sera Charmiam, with whom Zero was very publicly affectionate, did recite a very embarrassing poem which did seem to be about sexual relations ... though I am not certain. It did seem a somewhat inappropriate poem for mixed company, but mayhap I misunderstood the subject matter.

After the Poets' meeting, Martel and I did spend some little time alone together. He was most affectionate this eve, and I did not feel like a last priority in any way. I felt like a true partner with him, and my heart was gladdened. I hope to speak with him tomorrow of how I have been feeling, for I think that mayhap I have been somewhat led astray by all my talking with Zero. I think mayhap I have once again -- as so often before -- underestimated Martel. I think that we must talk, and know each other's true feelings. I think I do too often assume that I understand him, without first speaking with him, and listening to him.

And I have continued to think on yestereve's events. I now wish that I had wandered away on my own to see the gardens of the Inner Bailey, for I wish I might have seen them, even without Martel's company. I know not when next I will have such a chance. I now berate myself for standing so sadly by Martel's side while he did speak so absorbedly with Sir Gaudis ... am I a pet, that I should stand so loyally by his side? I am a grown woman, and I should have walked in the garden, since that is what I wanted. Martel is busy in his life, and if I will be happy with him, I must be stronger and not require him to always hold my hand.

I have also thought again upon the issue of the 'honored guests', for today sera Erin did pull me aside to advise me that I was not the only one to have felt disappointed not to be so recognized for weeks of hard work. But after my discussion with her, I did realize that the types of help I try to offer are not those ever likely to reach the ears of the court, for I do not act with that as my motivation. I do spend a significant portion of every day assisting Newly Awakened in various ways, but that is the only way in which I truly contribute in this place. And no one observes me in these actions, as I am usually alone with a Newly Awakened guest or two, who are unlikely to have the ear of Her Majesty.

Helping the Newly Awakened takes so much of my energy that I think I would not be able to take on more ... and yet I know that Martel will someday live in the Inner Bailey, and that does give me a motivation to be there as well. For myself, I would be happy to stay in the Outer Bailey, for I think I am too shy to recommend myself to the nobility, and I think I can render more service to Her Majesty in my quiet and invisible way among the Newly Awakened ... but I would not like to be left behind when Martel does someday ... mayhap soon ... receive his knighthood. I know that if he is knighted soon, he will leave me behind, but I must begin thinking now about how I might work toward being able to join him. I know not how someone who is not so bold can seek to gain favor. From what I have seen, it is those who are outspoken who are rewarded, those whose actions are highly visible. Mayhap I should write poems about Her Majesty and the castle? I could do that, though I would not like to become a fawning idiot. And I have been so busy with the Newly Awakened that I have had little time for poetry in recent weeks. And I would not like to abandon the Newly Awakened in order to seek favor for myself. Mayhap it is a problem with no solution.

Ser Gareth suggested that I should ask for letters from those I helped after their awakenings: ser Rand, sera Hannah, sera Helena, sera Zenaida, sera Steeldove ... but I cannot remember everyone's names. Ser Gareth (soon to be Watchman Gareth) thinks that letters testifying to my efforts might be useful, but I know not if anyone would value such testimonies, or to whom such letters would need to be directed. I will ask Martel his opinion when we speak tomorrow. And mayhap I should also seek the advice of Lord Chamberlain Launfal, when he does return to his office on Wednesday.

December the 11th, and a Monday

This morn I did spend some time alone with Martel, and we did speak most openly of our hearts. I think that in a strange way I do not understand, my wayward confusion with Watchman Zero did strengthen our relationship, for we do now speak on things which we did not before, and have grown closer as a result. We have resolved to spend more time alone together, for we do spend so much time in our respective responsibilities in the castle that we do normally spend little time alone.

Later in the day, Zero did seek to speak privately with me, and did tell me with little emotion that he and sera Charmiam are now 'a couple.' Taking my cue from his eyes, I did not react, and did but wish him well. I now feel foolish that ever I did believe his words to me, that ever I did allow him to even begin to tempt my heart. If his words had been true, he would not have looked at me so today, and so I can now only feel ashamed of what my own behavior has been, and feel grateful that Martel has not turned away from me in knowing of it.

And then, this eve, Martel and I did walk together in the evening, feeling the cold wind against our faces. We wore again our beautiful clothing from the Winter Ball, and he did dance with me on the rampart above the draw bridge, the dance we did not have in the garden of the Inner Bailey. We talked, and laughed, and kissed, and danced, and I felt as though I could imagine no greater happiness. This night will always be special.

December the 12th, and a Tuesday

Early this eve I did enter the Refectory to find sera Hetchel in the center of a crowd, distributing gifts that she was creating by magic. Since even before doffing my disguise, I have long been seeking some way to recover my hair -- having spoken with the mage apprentices and even having sent a scroll to the Sorceress, Lady Serista, herself -- that I did most boldly ask if sera Hetchel could return my hair to me. And after much anxious time when I did begin to fear that she would leave me bald or green-haired, she did do it! My hair is now as it was before ever I cut it! Martel has not yet seen me, and I cannot wait to see his face. I simply cannot believe it. I keep touching my hair, to make sure, and it does indeed seem to be real. It is such a miracle that when it was first accomplished I did burst out weeping in tears of joy.

But then, later in the eve, ser Starke, whom I had first met at a sword practice earlier in the day, did repeatedly slight my honor (for I did, it is true, strike sera Catharsis while she was saluting during one of our spars at the practice -- but I had been distracted by noise in the room -- but he is correct that the behavior is a grave dishonor) and insult my friends in the Refectory ... so that I did at length challenge him to a duel, and he did accept. I am glad that sera Kiera was present, for after ser Starke did depart, she did advise me some little bit about what I should do next. I am very unfamiliar with the process of receiving permission for a true duel. I have never even touched a real blade, and am feeling quite nervous. I have sent a scroll asking sera Hannah to be my second, for we have spoken much recently and consider becoming oath-sisters. I hope that she will oblige me, and stand by me in this matter.

Late in the eve, I did speak some little bit with Armsman Philo, for we have been lately making an effort to reclaim our friendship. He does have but little time, but does spare me some, for which I am very grateful. He did warn me to be wary of one whom I have begun to consider a friend, but could not tell me why ... and I did in turn tell him of my upcoming duel. He was most supportive, and even offered to help me to train, for he seems concerned that I may be hurt in the duel. I will speak with Martel in the morn, to ask his help too in this, for I do need not only sword training but advice. I know that Martel did recently give Rand advice on being a second for a duel ... I hope I too may learn what is required in this process. I feel very ignorant.

December the 13th, and a Wednesday

This morn I had conversations with Duren and Hannah (regarding sera Lizabeth's lies to each of them about the other); with Martel, Faer, and sera Elea (regarding sera Elea's recent injury at the Dove Tower); with Martel and Hannah (regarding the duties of a second in my upcoming duel); with Zero (regarding the recent strains on our friendship); and with sera Charmiam (regarding some mysterious concerns of hers which I did never completely understand but did try to reassure her about). Rand and sera Aeriale and I did also have a snowball fight in the west courtyard today, which Rand began by putting a handful of snow down the back of my gown. Sera Aeriale and I did eventually gang up on him, and did rub snow in his hair, all over his face, and down his neck. By the time we all collapsed panting, we all three were damp and cold, but still laughing.

Martel and I did then spend some time together in the eve, until he did suddenly turn to me, kiss me, touch my cheek, and nod slowly, saying "Please ... tell everyone I'm ... o.k.?" and then "I ... love you. but ... I have to find her. I'll be back soon." He bowed quickly, kissed me, and fled the room. I did of course immediately go in search of Faer, for this behavior was most unlike Martel ... and I know not who this woman is whom he does seek to find. Faer and I spoke with the Duelists (even sera Arrion was there!), and they are all greatly concerned. I am certain this is related to the Dove Tower, but know not how. I can only hope that Martel returns soon, and does nothing he will regret while influenced by these mysterious powers. It is frustrating to know there is no way I can protect him ... and that I must continue to deal with this duel with ser Starke when my heart is so much more disturbed by Martel's troubles.

Late in the eve, I did meet privately with Armsman Philo, for he is concerned for my safety in my upcoming duel, and has offered to give me some private training to help me to prepare. We did spar for an hour, and did talk some little bit, as well, and he did tell me that Hannah today had interviewed with him for a position in the Winter Watch. I must admit that my feelings were hurt, for she and I have spoken often lately, and she has not mentioned this to me. I mind not if she chooses that path, but I would wish that as my friend she would be honest. It does remember me of Philo's hurt feelings when Martel chose the Duelists without informing him. I do understand his feelings even better now. Hannah and I have spoken some little bit about becoming oath-sisters, and I have openly encouraged her to investigate other paths, and yet she did not even think to mention this interest in the Winter Watch. She is still my friend, but I do also feel somewhat betrayed. I must admit that I have recently doubted whether we would suit as oath-sisters, and now my doubts have grown even greater.

After my training with Armsman Philo, when he did retire to get his rest before another day of guarding us all against miscreants and evil-doers such as ser Heldunder, sera Catharsis did happen upon us on the terrace, and did offer to spar with me. We did spar some few times, and she is very talented with a sword. I feel most honored to have received training this eve from two of the three candidates for knighthood. If only I had also seen the third candidate -- but I know not where Martel is, or what he does this eve. I can only hope for him, and wait for his return.

December the 14th, and a Thursday

Again, Martel has reappeared as quickly and mysteriously as he vanished. He seemed in high spirits, though he was also much distracted at the Duelists' meeting. Mayhap it was sera Arrion's presence, and early departure ... but, more on this later.

This morn I did practice a few rounds with ser Robert, who was kind enough to offer to train me a bit before my duel with ser Starke. And in the late evening, after Armsman Philo did apparently forget to meet me for our appointment to spar at 11 bells, sera Catharsis was extremely kind, and did give me considerable time to spar with both her and ser Delacroix, and they did also both advise me on some technical matters regarding dueling, which was most instructive.

Earlier in the day, I did speak with Hannah about her interview with the Winter Watch, and she did assure me that she is decided to seek membership in the Duelists' Circle. As we have come to know each other better, I have begun to wonder if we would truly make good oath-siblings. I think more and more on sera Edanya's request that I consider her as a potential oath-sister. Sera Edanya is strong in some ways that I am weak, and I believe we would balance each other well ... but ... I have some concerns about her spiritual stability, and also about her frequent long absences. After seeing Martel's pain in missing the members of his triad, I have become very cautious about taking an oath with anyone who does seem to be rarely about. I do also think of sera Helena, who might be an excellent balance to sera Edanya and myself, though she does not yet know what her path will be.

And, while I am on the subject of oath-siblings, I will write of my conversation this eve with sera Arrion, for -- indeed -- sera Arrion, Martel's oath-sister, has reappeared some times recently, since her appointment as an 'honored guest' at the Winter Ball. This eve I did speak with her in private, and did tell her of my concerns. I spoke quite plainly about the pain she has caused to Martel by her absence, and of my lack of trust in her after she did take an oath to stand by him in times of trouble, only to abandon him to face the Dove Tower alone. I assured her that I would like to become her friend, but advised her that my trust will not be earned by her words alone. I want no apologies or excuses ... I desire only that Martel be happy, and that his oath-siblings honor their oaths to him.

Sera Arrion did also speak of some other oath which she had made to, or exchanged with, Martel before they did form their triad. She did seem to imply that this oath ties Martel more closely to her than his love may tie him to me. I know not what she truly meant, for I did not trust her explanation afterward, but I fear that Martel has not told me all in this matter. I fear I know not what. Is there some secret to their relationship that he has not confided to me?

December the 15th, and a Friday

Today I spent most of the day in sword practice with Martel and many others. I did also, at long last, make real progress toward forming a triad. Sera Edanya and I spoke at length in the pantry this morn, and did in the end agree to commit to be oath-sisters. I feel that this is the right decision, that she will be a better balance to me than many I had spoken with before this, and my heart is glad.

Later in the eve, I did also speak with one who had previously thought to be an oath-sibling to me, one with whom I had spoken very seriously, and it appears that he is now reconsidering his previous decision, and may wish to join my triad after all. But he must find his own path ... and if his path does lead him toward us, then sera Edanya and I will need to meet with him, to determine if we will all together form a triad. I know that I alone do trust him, but I am no longer alone in this. I await further developments, but a true triad does seem to be possibly within my grasp ... at last!

December the 16th, and a Saturday

Today it did hap that sera Hannah did withdraw as my second for my duel with ser Starke. As it was time for ser Sinistrelle (Starke's second) to join her in talking with the Lord Chamberlain, I did seek a replacement, and Watchman Zero did insist on seconding me. And so, though I knew that Martel might find it awkward, as I do in fact myself, I accepted, and Zero now serves as my second for this duel. Tomorrow, Starke and I are to speak together, with our seconds present, to see if we may settle this peaceably. I do doubt, however, that ser Starke will recant his slights to my honor, and so I do expect that the duel will proceed.

And yet, later in the eve, I did attend the Garden Society meeting, and did find it most intriguing. I have longed so for gardens here, and have sought the flowers in the Garden Society Room whenever possible, and sera Roxanne did speak to us of duties of the guild ... duties involving fostering life, helping to create life ... and it did start me on a troubling line of thought. I did stay awake very late, thinking. Many events have conspired recently to cause me to take my pursuit of the Duelists' path ever more seriously: my coming duel with ser Starke, Martel's concern about breaking his triad to pursue knighthood, and most recently my agreement with sera Edanya. It begins to seem real, and no longer a dream, and I seriously question my pursuit of this path. After the Garden Society meeting, I thought much on my heart's desire to pursue a path of fostering life, rather than a path of ending it. If I do choose to no longer seek the Duelists' path, I do not doubt that I will still use a sword when necessary to defend my own or others' honor ... but I know not if I would pledge myself to a bloody path. I must speak with Martel, and with Faer, and -- most difficultly -- with sera Edanya. I must decide what I will do. I have so often questioned my commitment to this path ... so very often, and for so many reasons ... mayhap I should listen to my heart's insistent hesitations, and make no oath I may later regret.