Punzel's Private Journal

November the 26th, and a Sunday

Today I did wait nearly six hours for the appearance of Master Ali Jahib, the traveling merchant. A crowd did gather in the east courtyard, which was where I remember sera Gwen saying that he would appear, but I did also spend some of the time with Watchman Zero, playing the question game I had created with ser Retribution. I feel that we do know each other better now, and he is one of my closest friends. I do also feel more comfortable regarding his words of the other eve. I know that he is devoted to sera Nightraven, and I do sometimes take teasing too seriously. Too many men in this castle do tease, and I must learn to better deal with it.

Master Ali Jahib did at length appear, and I am afraid I did become most upset when others did push past me to get into his tent while I was waiting politely to learn what we should do. I then could not get into the tent, and did become most distressed after my long wait. I did behave most embarrassingly, and did burst into tears in front of others who were waiting. I feel very selfish. In the end I did get to see Master Jahib, and I did trade 'The Ballad of Ser Martel' for a formal gown of pale emerald. Though I did wait to see him again, I was unable to barter again for items for Martel and Illiana, which I had hoped to do, for so many castle guests did wait to speak with him. But the gown I did receive has such a low neckline that I think it would better suit my sister Illiana than myself.

And now I reach the part of the evening which I have been avoiding, for I wish not to write of it. I have been so upset this eve, and must sleep soon, and would not begin my weeping again, and yet I must write. Martel is disappeared again. I received a scroll from him this eve, but I cannot write of it here, lest any should find this journal. I know not what I can do ... I feel so helpless. I would defend Martel with my own life, but I know not whom to battle, or how. Those few close friends to whom I spoke this eve have told me that all I can do is wait. I do normally consider myself a patient person, but in this case it is not so. I am more angry than I ever remember, but also -- I am ashamed to admit -- so very frightened.

November the 27th, and a Monday

This morn I did speak with seras Faer and Kiera of Martel's disappearance. Sera Faer, too, had received a scroll from him, very similar to my own. They did most firmly chastise me for having spoken to Watchman Philo yestereve about Martel's scroll, and did insist that the Watchman would use this information against Martel, would use it to revenge his own personal hatred and throw Martel into the dungeon if presented with any opportunity. They did also insist again that I will certainly lose the Watchman's friendship if I do join the Duelists ... that he does hate the Duelists more than he does care for any friend. I left my conversation with them in near panic, certain that I had further endangered Martel by speaking to a friend who will soon look on me with hatred. All did appear very grim.

And did get little better as the day progressed. This eve, while many of us were sitting near the Refectory fireplace, Duren's 'dark goddess' -- Wyneth -- did appear. At first, she did but appear very briefly, wink at Duren, and vanish again. Duren did begin shouting and moaning that she had come for his soul, that he had not the strength to resist her. She did return soon afterward, and we did all battle her. In the confusion, I remember not all who were there ... but I do remember sera Margaret urging everyone to light their candles from the Priestess, and ser Ashitaka fighting most bravely, and ser Robert, and sera Kiera, and my uncle ser Lobo, and sera Avaria, and ser Ewan ... I know there were more, but all was chaos and my memories are hazy. Duren did nearly submit to her, but in the end he did fight her, and she did leave, assuring him that she would return, and that he would die. This did seem an empty threat, to me, since many do believe us to be dead already, and ser Andrew has recently returned from his own death.

After Wyneth's departure, Duren did collapse, and I did hold him and comfort him. He was most distressed and weakened. Many of us did gather about him in a show of friendship and support, drawn close by the battle we had fought together. I did feel very protective, and did stay by his side until he did rise and insist that he did want to walk alone for a time. He did not return that eve, and I do wait to see him again, to learn how he is fairing.

I think that, in some way I do not fully understand, this eve's events did allow me to vent my feelings about Martel's danger. I do feel so helpless to defend him, and his enemies are so invisible ... being able to defend Duren, and hold him and comfort him afterward ... it calmed me. I feel less panicked about Martel, more certain that together, he and I and his many strong friends will defeat whoever it is who is doing this to him. He will return to me, and we will fight this together, with the help of our friends ... we can do this. I must believe that we can, for belief has power of its own.

November the 28th, and a Tuesday

Instead of saving the most important news for last, as I usually do, today I cannot wait to write that Martel has returned! Though I did spend but a very brief time with him this eve, it has done my heart a world of good. Of late, I have felt like a child, just wanting to be held and reassured ... wanting this, but not having it ... not even when I did want to ask it of my uncle, for he was tired, and did need to retire ... and it has caused me no little amount of pain in recent days. Martel did not hold me, I must admit, but just the sight of his face, the touch of his hand, was reassurance to me.

Also, early this day, I did meet sera Helena in the Refectory, and did notice a necklace she was wearing ... a gold necklace with a heart pendant, engraved with a sword. She told me she had received it from the merchant. I did of course immediately recognize it -- based on Watchman Zero's earlier description -- as the Giving Day gift which he had given to sera Erin. I was most distressed to realize that sera Erin had traded his gift to the merchant, but when I told him -- for I did not want him to learn by unexpectedly seeing Helena wearing it in a crowd -- he did seem not hurt at all. I was immensely relieved. I must say that my own feelings about gifts are very different ... if it had been me, I would have been greatly wounded.

When Duren did appear this day, he did seem pained and weakened by yestereve's events, and so when Sara asked me if I would play with her, I did invite Duren to join us, hoping to take his mind off of his troubles. The three of us did race to a number of different places in the castle (and Duren won every race) and played "I Spy", "Twenty Questions", and the question game I made up. I suppose I must name that game eventually, for I keep playing it with different people ... first ser Retribution, then Watchman Zero, and now Sara and Duren. While playing my question game, Sara did ask me the question "Who do you love?", which I thought a very good question. Until she asked, I had not realized how very many people have grown close to my heart in these many weeks since I awakened. I listed Martel, Sara herself, Katherine, Illiana, Lobo, Watchman Philo, Watchman Zero, and lastly Duren. Duren did seem very surprised to hear his name on my list, and yet when Sara asked the same question of him, he listed Ashitaka, Watchman Zero, sera Anabeth, and myself. I do sometimes worry that Duren does still harbor romantic feelings for me, but I do very much value his friendship.

Late this eve, I did sit with Watchman Zero in the west courtyard, and he did tell me of his past. He is so hard on himself, does accuse himself of so many crimes in his past. But we did grow even closer through this talk together, and for that I am glad. He is a good man. One of the best I am ever likely to know.

November the 29th, and a Wednesday

As I write this, I stand guard over my love, as he lies sleeping on my bed. I know that other events did happen today, but all is wiped from my mind by the past half hour. After speaking with ser Twulf at length near the Tailor's fireplace, I did come to the Refectory, and did find Martel behaving most strangely ... ser Cedric did ask to speak with me, and did tell me that earlier Martel had gone to the Dove Tower, as before, and had drawn his sword on sera Elea in an attempt to get into the tower. I am most grateful that ser Cedric was there, for he did tackle Martel and wrest his sword from him, almost certainly saving sera Elea's life. I know that Martel, too, will thank him when he is no longer influenced so by these voices.

Martel continued insisting that he must go to the Dove Tower. He whispered repeatedly to me, as he lay collapsed on the Refectory floor, with rude castle residents gathered around, staring and making comments that belittled his distress ... but I do become upset, and digress ... he did whisper repeatedly to me that he must go to the tower, that I must let him go to the tower.

At length, he did sleep, though fitfully, for his legs did twitch, and he did mumble about the tower even still. Instinctively, seeking help from one I trusted, I did ask Watchman Philo to help me to carry Martel to my chamber, and I was shocked at his reaction. He looked at Martel as if he were something beneath his notice. He did reluctantly agree to do it "for me" and my rage was such that I would not accept his help offered so begrudgingly.

My uncle did help me to carry Martel here to my chamber, and now I watch over his sleep. I will not slumber, myself, this night, for I cannot let him return to the Dove Tower. I cannot let him wander when he is so enchanted that he would attack an unarmed woman. Ser Cedric's words did so frighten me that I know I will have no trouble staying vigilant tonight. But how long can I do so? Mayhap another friend can stay awake to watch him on the morrow, if necessary. Mayhap he should not be alone anymore, until these voices are defeated. But I will not leave his side, and will not worry about tomorrow. For now, I must stay awake.

November the 30th, and a Thursday

After sitting awake all night by Martel's side, watching him sleep -- though so fitfully that it almost does not deserve that name -- I was unable to stay by his side in the morn. He did wake remembering little of yestereve, and with a headache from the ale ser Cedric had pressed upon him to render him less dangerous. We did venture together to the Refectory, and he did speak no more of needing to get to the tower, but when my eyes were not on him for a moment, he did run from the room. I gave chase, and did hear his footsteps, heavy above me in the south stairwell ... until they ceased. When I reached the Dove Tower, there was no sign of him. He had vanished.

Imagine my surprise, then, when he did reappear only a few hours later! On my way to await the Duelists' meeting, I did encounter him in the corridor, and was much shocked. He claimed to be feeling very well, and did behave normally, as far as I could perceive. I understand not what happens here ... and Martel's apparent lack of concern does puzzle me extremely.

The Duelists' meeting itself went well, I think. We prospective guildmembers (sers Duren, Rand, and Ewan were also present) were invited in after half a bell, and we did speak for some time with the Duelists themselves. I found ser Edouard -- one of the elders -- most polite and helpful, but ser Mark did seem to ignore our presence completely, and spent his time but whispering with sera Kiera. I know it is not for me -- only a prospective guildmember -- to judge, but I thought ser Mark's behavior toward invited guests somewhat rude. Mayhap I have but misinterpreted ... I will hope to know him better in the future.

But I must admit that it has been wonderful to again see Rand ... I had not realized how much I had missed his friendship. He does think to join ser Ewan and ser Sansamor's triad, I believe.

And Martel did leave the meeting most abruptly, with no private word to me. He did but announce to the room that he (and sera Faer, apparently) had other plans, and he did leave. Sometimes I feel quite sad at the extent to which Martel excludes me from his life ... often I do feel that other friends know, trust, and respect me better than he. I know not what to think, at times.

December the 1st, and a Friday

I do begin to think that someone has somehow obtained access to this journal ... though I know not how such a thing could be possible. But a number of people of late have commented to me on things they truly should not know. I must be cautious, and write no more of things that would be other's secrets, or my secrets from others. I do only hope that I have done no harm! And do worry that someone does have access to my private room. Mayhap I should carry this journal with me at all times, from this day forward.

I did spend much time with Martel today, and he did seem happier than I have seen him anytime in recent weeks. He was most attentive to me, and I did realize how petulant I have been of late. His responsibilities in this place do but keep him very busy. Mayhap that is the price I pay to be with a man so generous with his time and energy. And I would not change him, for I love him just as he is.

December the 2nd, and a Saturday

This morn I did speak at some length with ser Duren ... a most awkward and uncomfortable conversation. He has assured me that his feelings for me are and will ever be but friendship, and he does seem most interested in one of the newly awakened, a sera Hannah who has seemed to me a most kind and compassionate woman.

This afternoon I did fall into a deep sleep for much of the day, and did therefore miss most of the day's events. I think I did still recover from my worry, and my long night watching over Martel earlier this week. When I did awake, I did wander to the Refectory, where ser Dwarf (whom I had first met yestereve, when he was unlawfully carrying a longsword, claiming that it was for his 'master') did tell me that Martel sent his regrets. So I did but narrowly miss seeing him, but hope that he is well. None did tell me otherwise.