Punzel's Private Journal

November the 19th, and a Sunday

Today the mood in the castle was much subdued as we all did grieve for the death of Sera Duvessa. Some who were not about yestereve did have to be told, and seeing their fresh grief kept the wounds open in those of us who were trying to heal.

And then, while I stood in the Refectory with Martel, Ser Namir did return most unexpectedly! I have not seen him in some three weeks, since the morning we spent together in the green circular room. I blush now to remember that morning, and know not how to tell Martel of my behavior. So much has changed since that day! That morning with Namir, I was so certain that Martel's feelings for me were but friendship, and his behavior at the time had hurt my feelings terribly, and I did seek comfort from one who did seem to see me as a woman when I did so long for Martel to do so.

It was but two days later that Martel did tell me of his newly discovered feelings for me, and did tell me of his intention to end his relationship with Sera Anastacia, and did ask permission to court me.

Now I fear what he will think of me, but I must tell him the truth. I did wish to speak with him tonight, as soon as possible after Namir's reappearance, but circumstances prevented us from speaking privately. I must speak with him tomorrow ... and I am most anxious.

November the 20th, and a Monday

Yestereve, after I did write my journal entry, I found that I could not sleep, and did wander abroad again, and did discover that yet another sad death had occurred. Apparently, Ser Andrew was most foully murdered yestereve, stabbed in the back. I know not if any did witness the murder, and I did know Ser Andrew but relatively little, but this occurrence has thrown us all into even deeper wells of grief.

Two deaths in as many days.

And this has been a day of many events, as well, though less traumatic. The lovely innocent Sara did embarrass me in the Refectory by blurting out in front of a crowd, "You and Martel are in love?" Martel was there, too, and we both did blush most alarmingly. I asked Sara if she would speak privately with me, and fled with her. Once in private, she did begin to ask me about "murder," not understanding the word, and so I distracted her by suggesting that we go to make snow angels and dance in the west courtyard. We did so, accompanied by many others, including the most merry Ser Harwood and the very obliging Watchman Zero. I found myself in the courtyard, laughing and dancing and playing in the snow, with so many of my favorite castle guests. Being with Sara and Ser Harwood at the same time did almost guarantee that I would be happy. Ser Harwood did more of his very talented impressions, and I did roll about in the snow with laughing so hard.

I did also speak at length with Martel, and he was most understanding about Ser Namir. In fact, Ser Namir did also ask to speak with me this morn, and it was most awkward ... I know not what he did hope to gain. I did tell him that my heart is given, and did remind him that I was honest of this fact from the beginning. He did behave oddly ... hurt and dismissive, by turns. I would have hoped that we could remain friends, but he did seem to leave in a very ill humor. I know not how I could have better handled the situation.

But my talk with Martel went well, and we spent some happy time alone together afterward in the Duelists' room. So much time that we did not get a chance to use the practice blades, in fact. And I did also tell him of how hurt I was that he has, all this time, continued to wear every day Sera Anastacia's Giving Day gift to him ... and has never worn the gift I did give. It has hurt me nearly every day ... every day I have looked to see if he was wearing my blue tunic, and I have seen that he did not, and I have seen that dreadful earring. And he did tear the earring from his ear and throw it against the wall, declaring that it meant nothing to him.

Today I did also worry for Sera Faer, who was most distressed by Ser Andrew's death. I felt helpless to comfort her, and fear that I may have done more harm than good. Eventually, she did ask me to leave her, and I did so, and told myself that sometimes the best way to help is to leave a friend to her privacy. But it was still difficult to see her in pain, and feel so helpless.

I did also speak with Ser Cedric and Ser Ewan about the possibility of forming a triad to join the Duelists. If Sera Myalia, when she is released from her imprisonment, still wishes to join the Duelists, Ser Ewan will stay her oath-sibling, and I think I will not join them. But if she no longer pursues that path, or chooses to wait, Ser Ewan and Ser Cedric and I may form a triad. We await her release and her decision.

November the 21st, and a Tuesday

Today was a pleasant, but generally uneventful day. Ser Jake told a beautiful story in the Refectory, which made me weep. I hope he will join the Poets' Brotherhood, but he has not yet made any decisions. I do respect his caution in choosing a path, and I think I begin to like him very much.

Ser Ewan did speak with me briefly this morn, and did tell me that Sera Myalia has been released from the dungeon (after her attempt to murder the most foul Ser Cerebus), and that he does hope to form a triad with her as they had originally planned. He has not yet spoken with her, and I have heard some disturbing reports (from Sera Avaria) about her emotional state after her release. I worry for her, as I had come to think of her as a friend.

This afternoon I did spar for some time with Martel, as no other students had arrived for his practice at 2 bells. With Ser Harwood keeping us most pleasant company, we sparred fairly steadily until 3 bells, when other students began to arrive. There ended our pleasant time together. At that point, the practice room slowly began to more and more closely approximate bedlam. Newly awakened men I had never seen before -- and others whom I had seen but found most annoying -- did make rude demands, leave abruptly with practice swords in their possession, and generally disrespect Martel's authority. All was chaos, and no one would respect the quiet needed for an effective practice. A few who attended were well-behaved, but the rest behaved like a disorganized pack of wild animals demanding swords. I was disgusted by their rudeness, and find myself doubting that I could ever instruct as I have hoped to do. I have not Martel's patience with their antics ... for I must admit that he showed admirable restraint and kindness this day. My admiration for him did grow even greater, though I might not have previously thought that possible. But I fear I am not as patient as he.

I think also that these men know not how their rudeness may affect their chances of being accepted into the Duelists. Respect and honor were not much displayed in the practice room this afternoon. I hope that the Duelists are able to begin having separate practices for those who are completely inexperienced, for they clearly need a different sort of learning environment to help them better channel their exuberance.

November the 22nd, and a Wednesday

This morn I did meet a newly awakened ser named "Vincent" who did presume to lecture a group of us (including Martel, Sera Faer, Seeker Margaret, and myself) on honor, balance, and purity, after repeatedly and rudely proclaiming himself to be a knight, without Her Majesty's permission to claim this honored title. I am afraid I did lose my temper with his conceited ignorance and presumption, though I know it did result only from confusion stemming from the awakening process. I wonder more each day whether I am worthy of my necklace identifying me as one of the Awakeners. I should speak with Sera Cassandra about my concerns ... though I have heard that Sera Kiera has resumed leadership of the guild. While I do respect Sera Kiera, as a woman, as a Duelist, and as the Guildmistress of the Awakened, I understand not why she should be the leader when she is so little involved with the guild, while Sera Cassandra devotes so many energies to it.

And this eve a man did nearly die in my arms, for Ser Ghobii was the victim of a very dangerous misunderstanding when Sera Siobhan stole his focus, not knowing that without it he would die. Due to the quick work of Watchman Zero and Watchman Lucas, Ser Ghobii's stone was recovered, and Sera Siobhan was informed of the dangerousness of her action. She did mean no harm, and was most distressed to learn of the effects of her behavior. I heard little of the explanation, for she did speak to Watchman Lucas.

After Ser Ghobii did seem recovered, I did speak with the Watchmen some little while in the Refectory, and must admit that I did find myself puzzled by Watchman Zero's words to me. I did joke with him, as I have done before, on the fact that I did try to kiss him the first time we met (for I did seek to relieve him of the muteness caused by the White Lady's curse), and that he did push me away, but this eve his responses to my teasing did take a serious turn, and I know not what to think. He knows that Martel holds my heart, and I know that he does plan to wed Sera Nightraven ... which facts make some of his words to me this eve seem inappropriate.

Mayhap I should joke less with him, and not hug him so readily as I have sometimes done in the past, for I have considered him one of my closest friends in this place. Mayhap he has misinterpreted my behavior.

November the 23rd, and a Thursday

This eve I did seek Katherine and Ser Lobo, but could find them not. I do fear that my uncle's grief over Sera Duvessa's death does lead him to push me away ... and as I am not blood kin, I find myself much hurt, and hesitant to pursue the matter. I do care deeply for him, but if he finds my friendship difficult at this time, I would not make this grieving more painful for him. I would like to tell him that he has my support if he does need it, but he does seem to avoid me.

And my sister, Katherine, does seem more distant of late, as well. I fear that my involvement with Martel and with the Duelists has led me to grow away from those who have called themselves my family. I would not like to choose between them.

I did retire to my room in sadness, feeling more alone than I have in some time in this place.

November the 24th, and a Friday

Today, Ser Twulf and I did make amends, after having argued about Sera Judith's rude disrespect toward the Duelists in the Refectory some days ago. After he had accepted my apology, however, Ser Twulf did begin to flatter me distressingly, and to kiss my hand repeatedly so that I knew not what to think. He and Sera Jasmine did later speak to me about replacing Ser Gaerin in their triad, but I think that now he has made amends with them and all will be well.

But the most exciting news of this day is that I did receive an invitation to the Winter Ball, which is to be held in the Inner Bailey! Rumor has it that Her Majesty Queen Vivienne may even attend ... may even deign to meet some residents of the Inner Bailey! The event requires "full dress", which did distress me initially, for I know not where I would obtain appropriate clothing, but I then did hear rumors (from both Sera Hetchel and Sera Gwen) that Ali-Jahib, the traveling merchant, has obtained a charter to visit the castle sometime soon. I will eagerly await his appearance, as I do hope to obtain some special clothing for the Ball. Though I did not see Martel today, I did receive a scroll from him, requesting to escort me to the Ball, which does make the entire event only more wonderful. And I have learnt that both of my sisters will also be attending the Ball, which did again make it even more exciting!

The only flaw in my happiness is that I have not seen Watchman Philo in some days. When last I spoke with him, he did have a terrible cold, and did retire to his room to rest. I do worry that he is too ill to care for himself, but none can enter his room to help. I do hope that he will be well soon!

November the 25th, and a Saturday

The Watchman has recovered from his cold, and I did see him briefly this eve. I did even convince him to come with me to make snow angels in the west courtyard, though he did seem most embarrassed and awkward. His snow angel resembled some strange farming implement, but I was glad to see him attempting to have fun. He is so serious.

I did also spend time with my sisters and uncle this day, though it was not as merry as some times we have spent together in the past. Lobo does seem to fear for the three of us, that one of us may be attacked by those (the "Black Guard"?) who he says are behind the tragic events of recent weeks, and mayhap even Martel's own recent disappearance. I found his explanations of his suspicions most confusing, and fear I have not the mind to be a sleuth. Mayhap it is best that I chose not to pursue a position in the Winter Watch.

Today I did also seek Ser Retribution (though some weeks ago I would never have dreamt that I might now write those words ... but he has been much gentled by his binding), in hopes of continuing our game of questions which we began yestereve in the Refectory. We took turns asking each other questions, and answering as honestly as possible. I enjoyed the game, and had hoped to continue it, for we did only reach six questions before he did retire for the evening, but he was too busy and I did leave him to his conversation.

I do hope that I may see Martel tomorrow, for it is now fully two days since I have seen him, and I do miss him.