Punzel's Private Journal

January the 14th, and a Sunday

Today was the Storytelling Contest, sponsored by the Friends of the Muse. Both my oath-siblings and sera Mintle presented tales, along with many others. It was a mostly enjoyable evening (though some of the tales were far too long, and others seemed pointless), until ser Andrew seemed to change the rules of the competition at the end, and angered many of the participants. Edanya's tale was definitely the most enjoyable to hear, and I think that if she does not win, it will be an injustice. But it is not my decision to make ... and after Martel's defeat in the first Knight's Challenge, I have little trust in fairness and justice.

Later in the eve I did speak with my sister Katherine, whom I have seen so little of late. She now does mostly run two guilds, both the Poets' Brotherhood and the Rememberers, and she seems continually buried in scrolls that require her attention. But we were able to talk for a while ... and I did come out of our conversation with yet another project, but one which makes my heart so glad that I happily devote my time to it. I will not describe it further here, until I worry not about its secrecy.

And I have continued to think on the Armsman's words yestereve about duty, and about serving Her Majesty. In recent weeks, my goal of acquiring favor and admission to the Inner Bailey has faded much. The fact I have come to realize is that my heart is not an ambitious one, and doing anything with ulterior motives does pain me. I think that I can only do my best to be the best person I can, and to use my own talents to serve Her Majesty. For example, the poem that I wrote about the Winter Ball has seemed to bring pleasure to many in recent weeks ... I think I have succeeded with my goal in writing it, which was to attempt to bring the experience of that amazing evening to those who were not able to attend.

I walk the halls ... I offer my help to those who seem to need it ... I write poems which I hope will bring pleasure and enjoyment to the other castle residents (and, as is the case with my Winter Ball poem, spread Her Majesty's words to those who were not present to hear them) ... I teach my etiquette lectures ... I try to uphold honor and justice and fairness. If these things, which grow out of my own heart, are not enough to earn me favor, then favor is not in my future. I must remain true to my heart. Martel and I will be together, somehow. I trust in that, now, and feel no need to attempt to be something I am not, in order to follow him. If we both remain true to our hearts, we will be together. I know it. Our hearts will guide us.

January the 15th, and a Monday

Today I spent much time with Martel. These recent days, seeing him so often ... I have been blissfully happy. We seem to grow closer with every breath. I feel sometimes that I should tell him of my nightmares ... but I truly think that he would prefer not to know. It would hurt him, I think ... and I must admit that I worry whether he might think less of me if he knew, or feel hesitant to touch me. I want neither of those things. And I do feel that I have moved beyond those memories now ... I want them not to be a part of my future, and I do hope that Martel is part of my future.

I spent the morn in writing scrolls to various newly awakened whose names I had been given, inviting them to attend my introductory etiquette lecture this eve. I believe I wrote 25 scrolls, and my hand was quite pained afterward, and so I did but recline with Martel near the Refectory fireplace for some time, enjoying feeling him so close to me. But the Refectory was very crowded today, and eventually we did flee to spend time alone ... though I fear a ser Quondam, one of the newly awakened, did happen upon us in the courtyard when we were embracing passionately, thinking no one else was about, and we were both much embarrassed. Until recently, I did never understand why couples were sometimes surprised in the stairways and courtyards, for I thought they should be in private rooms ... but in recent days, Martel has kissed me most fervently in many public places when no one else was present, and I must admit that I have not pushed him away ... and have even sometimes initiated such kisses myself, though I blush to admit it here.

In the early eve, I did present my introductory etiquette lecture to a very polite audience ... I was much impressed with and obliged to them for their quiet attention. Afterward, a ser Lydon did request a poem, and I did recite my Winter Ball poem for a small number who were gathered there ... and then did depart for my meeting with Martel, that we might spend the rest of the eve together, as is our habit on Mondays. I will write no more of that here, but to say that we did share our thoughts and our hearts ... and did talk late into the night. I woke in his arms, having fallen asleep while we were talking ... I gazed into his peacefully sleeping face for a time before gently extricating myself and leaving him to his night's rest.

January the 16th, and a Tuesday

Another day of time with Martel ... I grow spoiled, and will have to attempt to avoid becoming petulant when the Inner Bailey's gates are opened to Her Majesty's Honored Guests ... or if Martel does indeed win this knighthood for which he is competing. In either case, these are golden days which will soon pass, and he will be about far less often soon.

Today I did attend his sword practice, where once again I did find that my sword skill has continued to be less than it was. I know not if my confidence did suffer a blow, or if my injury does still affect me more than I realize, but it is noticeable that I have had little luck with the sword since my defeat in my duel with ser Starke. It is somewhat humiliating, as I do finally have a triad, and grow mayhap close to becoming a Duelist at last, and find myself suddenly so clumsy with a blade. I must attend practices more often, and seek to correct this if I can.

After the practice, Martel and I did spend some little time alone before seeking to speak with the Lord Chamberlain about our various projects. Though he has not yet made a decision about our request for a symbol to give to our assistants to wear, and says that he must think on this idea for a dueling tourney, Lord Chamberlain Launfal did give us his permission to organize our dancing competition, and I have sent word to seras Mintle and Myrrh, so that we can now plan in greater haste.

Sera Mintle and I have had little time to talk since I did request her services as an assistant to me ... and I know not if this relationship will prove as beneficial to either of us as we had thought. She does seem already too busy in her life here to have much time for assisting me, which leaves her feeling pressed, and myself assistant-less. I have sought her repeatedly in an attempt to talk of this, but she does alway seem too busy to speak with me. I find it most frustrating, I must admit.

January the 17th, and a Wednesday

Sera Charmiam has told me that yestereve she did see Lobo and Edanya race screaming into Lord Chamberlain Launfal's office, interrupting his conference with ser Sylandros ... and that Lobo was calling Edanya 'Duvessa'. When I did ask Edanya about this, however, she did have no memory of the event. I fear this situation grows worse and worse ... something must be done about it and soon. Faer has sought the aid of First Initiate Elea, whom I do trust completely ... I do hope she will be able to help my oath-sister in this frightening matter.

However, Duraze did speak proudly and arrogantly to the First Initiate today, angering her so very much that she did no longer want to help Edanya. Martel and I spoke with Elea at some length, and she has agreed still to offer her assistance ... but she has not yet decided whether she will forbid Duraze to be involved in the solution she institutes. I have informed her that I would understand if she wants him not to be there, but that I know it would mean much to Edanya if her oath-brother could stand beside her in such a fearful time. We now await word from the First Initiate, and can do little else without her aid, I fear.

Today I did also, at Martel's request, speak with Armsman Philo about the possibility of a reconciliation of their long enmity toward each other. The Armsman, however, was hesitant, and said that he does need time to think on this. It saddens me, but I can understand his feelings ... for even as much as I do love Martel, I believe he has done the Armsman much wrong, though unintentionally. I hope with time the Armsman will be able to move beyond this, but I fear that time is not yet come.

And late this eve I did speak with sera Mintle and we have renewed our commitment to work together. She is a great help to me, and I am grateful to the powers that brought her to me in my time of need.

January the 18th, and a Thursday

I spent this entire morn in private conference with Faer in my chamber ... we talked for nearly three full bells. We spoke of the notes I recently sent to her -- about the Black Guard, the Dove Tower, Dame Oriana, the Duelists, the Shadow, and the Rememberers -- and she did offer me some of her own related knowledge that she has obtained in her time here. I have little head for intrigue, but I hope that my notes have helped her, even if only in some small way.

We also spoke of Duraze, and how frustrated I often feel in dealing with his arrogant temper. He is an excellent oath-brother when not angry ... but when he feels he must stand against a foe, he is implacable and seems incapable of admitting that he can ever be wrong. But talking with Faer enabled me to understand him better, and also to remember that I am not alone in this. That I have a triad and even the entire Duelists' Circle to aid me. I was much comfited by her words.

After talking with Faer, I then did happen upon Martel, and we did talk a while on the walkway above the drawbridge before adjourning to my room for more privacy. We spoke of many things, including Martel's hopes to reconcile with the Armsman. We also spoke of Martel's concern with the amount of disrespect that Duraze has been showing to Her Majesty's Honored Guests, as Duraze has in so few recent days rudely offended three of them: sera Catharsis, ser Andrew, and First Initiate Elea. Martel and I feel that there is no honor in showing such disrespect to those who have Her Majesty's especial affection ... it is akin to showing disrespect to Her directly. Martel feels he must speak to Duraze about this matter, and I hope that Duraze will listen to him, for this behavior may reflect ill not only on Duraze, but also on his friends and even the entire Duelists' Circle.

And that Duelists' Circle did meet this eve, in an evening of extreme emotion. I was joyed to learn that our triad has been approved, and that the induction is being planned (mayhap as soon as next week!) ... but also much troubled at sera Allenya's apparently severe illness. She seems to have the flu which so many have suffered in recent days, but her case is severe. Martel seemed very concerned for her ... as indeed did everyone. After her departure, Faer came into the room and did challenge ser Edouard to a duel, over the right to his heart. Only this morn she had told me that she felt torn in her heart's path, and so I was surprised to see her so decided, but I can only assume that something has occurred. But, then, now that I think on it ... Martel was much torn until a particular conversation which did seem to help him choose his heart's path with me ... mayhap such things can suddenly become clear, like the sun coming from behind clouds.

And so Faer and ser Edouard did duel, though only with practiced swords, and Faer was defeated. She and Edouard did then talk privately at length, though I know not what came of that, for while they were sequestered ser Mark did appear ... and soon we did have the entire senior triad of the Duelists -- ser Mark, ser Edouard, and sera Allenya -- all gathered in the Duelists' Room, and much grief overflowed, as ser Mark is sorely ill with the loss of memories, while sera Allenya does seem wracked with the combination of this flu and her concern for ser Mark. Martel wept in my arms, and all of the Duelists cried tears of woe. In the end, Edouard took Allenya to her room to rest, for her illness did overcome her, and Lobo came to try to help ser Mark recover some of his memories, to try to discover what is causing this mysterious illness.

An eve of much event, most of it melancholy. I was glad to meet briefly with my triad before retiring ... being able to turn to Edanya and Duraze in these times of worry is a great comfort indeed. And now I must to bed, for tomorrow is the second challenge of the Knight's Quest, and I know that Martel will need my strength and support.

January the 19th, and a Friday

This day has been a great trial to me, especially following on yesterday's events. Today did begin with a close friend warning me that someone has been spreading a rumor that I am secretly in love with Zero, that I am disloyal to Martel. Upon hearing this, I did immediately search for Zero, to ensure that he himself has not misunderstood my feelings. For I do love him dearly, but I am not in love with him, nor have I ever been. I was confused for a few days some time ago, due to the strength of the bond of our friendship ... but that is all it will ever be: friendship. His feelings do seem to be stronger than my own, but I believe he does know that my heart is true to Martel, and ever will be.

I then was told by another close friend that a woman had been accusing myself and those close to me of plotting murders, which shocked me so that I could barely speak. Those who know me must know I would never be involved in anything dishonorable ... or anything with any motivation to harm Her Majesty or anyone else ... and would only seek to do good and protect the innocent. Zero and I were not able to finish our talk, as he did have to leave, and so I must wait until the next time we meet to understand this more.

And then, later in the eve, a Watchman did enquire of me if he had heard truly that I have battled the giant rats in the catacombs beneath the castle. And so I am not only a disloyal love and an intended murderess, but also an underground giant-rat-battling heroine. And all this while what I truly have spent my time doing is planning a dance contest and working on a gift for Illiana and Artegal. But mayhap those pastimes are not dramatic enough, and so the world must create fables ... but ... why fables about me? I am no hero, to have fables spun around me.

And yet, those who are heroes seem to receive no respect in this place, either. For tonight Martel did lose also the second challenge of the Knighthood Quest: the moral challenge. If there is only one man in the Outer Bailey who is worthy to be a knight, it is Martel ... but the committee has now found him wanting in two respects, both honor and morality. I have had great difficulty in maintaining my balance in the aftermath of this, for I begin to wonder at my own admiration for a Court that cannot see Martel's worth. Armsman Philo did win the moral challenge, and while I grant that he is a very moral man, and I love and admire him much ... I must admit that I found his answers on the moral questions overly simple ... and that they did seem not to take into account all the complexities of the world. But it seems that Armsman Philo's view is also that of Her Majesty's Court.

If Martel had been willing to lie, he might have won ... but he gave his honest answer, knowing that it might offend. He therefore showed the extent of his own moral strength through his actions this eve, and not only his words. I am proud of him, regardless of the judgment of the committee.

January the 20th, and a Saturday

Today was a busy but less traumatic day, in which I have spent what little free time I have pondering the events of Thursday and Friday. Martel keeps to his room today, in an attempt -- I assume -- to regain his balance after yestereve's defeat. Since his awakening, the one true wish of his heart has been to gain knighthood in service of Her Majesty ... but his chances now are slim, as he now must win the next two challenges (for there will be a fourth challenge, apparently, if a tie is declared), or be defeated utterly, despite all his efforts. I have faith in his own worthiness and abilities, but I am losing faith in the Court's ability to recognize them. I know that the other two candidates are good folk, and I respect their strengths, but I do not think them more worthy than Martel ... not for a moment.

I also did brood some little bit this morning on my uncle's words of yestereve. I did not write of this yesterday, but in the eve my uncle Lobo did approach Martel and myself, and did demand of us when we would be marrying. He meant it as a jest, but I was sorely hurt that he would break his word to me, for I had solemnly asked him not to pressure Martel toward wedding me. And now I fret that if Martel were to suggest marriage, I would not feel able to trust that it was due to his own heart's feelings, and would worry that it was prompted by the expectations of others. Mintle, who is very wise in some ways, urges me -- in the Priestess's own words of so many weeks ago -- to trust the one I love. I try.

The pleasant news of today was that my sister Illiana has learnt that the vigil for her and Watchman Artegal's wedding has been scheduled for the end of this month, on January 31. At Illiana's request, I now plan a small and private celebration for afterward, with those whom she considers family: Katherine, Lobo, Linnet, and myself. I know not if Martel or Felix will be able to attend, but I do hope so.

The rest of my day was spent in my usual pastimes. I taught the sword to a number of newly awakened, at two different sword practices, and did talk to a number of others to answer questions about the castle and guilds and such. I also talked most pleasantly with my oath-brother. I talked most puzzlingly with sera Lilly, who spoke of vague plans that would earn her many enemies and insisted that I tell no one of our private conversation. I talked long with Mintle, who then left for some social plans with ser Sansamor before I had been able to speak with her of all the tasks I would ask of her. (She now has apparently also committed to be his assistant dance instructor, in addition to the many other responsibilities she has taken on.) I then wrote to her a scroll of the issues I had hoped to discuss with her, though I know not if they are too much for one assistant. I will seek another, so that my needs do not interfere with sera Mintle's own pursuits.

I also spoke with Armsman Philo this eve, to inform him that my induction into the Duelists is currently scheduled for Wednesday eve. We talked for some long time. I do sometimes grow weary of battling to remain his friend ... but I strongly feel it is worth the effort. He is a good man.