Punzel's Private Journal

January the 7th, and a Sunday

This eve Martel did finally emerge from his room in order to talk with some friends in the Sunshine Room, though I cannot write here of what we did discuss ... I was pleased to see him about again, and with a mood more balanced than it has been. When that talk was finished, he did again retire to his room, while I did go to the Refectory for the meeting of the Poets' Brotherhood. Part-way through the meeting, however, sera Catharsis did arrive with an entourage of Battlers, and I began to grow increasingly uncomfortable. To sit with her, in the same room where she did so unkindly and dishonorably attack me -- knowing that since she has refused my challenge I have no recourse against her accusations -- was unbearable. And so in the end I did leave my own guild meeting to avoid her company. I can only hope that my sister Katherine is not offended by my hasty departure.

My uncle Lobo did then sit with me on the roof of the north tower, where my oath-siblings did by chance join us, and the four of us did play the question game. I think it good that my uncle did spend time with me in the presence of my triad, for that may tell him more about my life since our estrangement than I could do with words.

I am so grateful for the loving support of not only my triad but also Zero in these trying days. I fear I have been moody and unpredictable lately, but their patience and friendship have bolstered me and helped me to face these days' trials. I must remember to tell them so, for I know I myself have been a trial of late, and their patience with me has been generous.

January the 8th, and a Monday

Today was, to my great relief, a very quiet day. I spent much of the day in my room, working on a tale for the upcoming Storytelling Contest sponsored by the Friends of the Muse. I have not yet decided if I will attempt to tell the tale in prose, or keep to my usual verse form ... I am as of yet still creating the tale itself.

I did talk some time this eve with Zero, yet again, whose friendship has been such a boon to me in recent days. I know that I have not supported him as well as I might have hoped in these difficult days since he did leave the Winter Watch, distracted as I have been ... first with my recovery from my dueling injury, and then more recently with my distractedness and evil moods. But I do hope that he knows how firm my friendship is in my heart, even when I am not so present as I might be.

Later I did also speak to my sister Illiana, and I did ask her many questions about the marriage process here. Martel and I have never spoken of marriage ... I know not if he even thinks in such terms. When he was with sera Anastacia, she did pressure him in every aspect of their relationship, and so when Martel did tell me of his feelings about this -- when he was still with her and we were but friends -- I did swear to myself that if ever he loved me, I would not push him so. But lately I have found myself thinking about him, and about our future together ... I feel that we grow closer, and I grow more comfortable with him than I am I think with anyone. Talking with Illiana, hearing about weddings ... I enjoyed the dream. I even thought of a token I would make for Martel, if that day came. Illiana asked if I could propose to Martel, but that would feel to me like pushing, and I would not want to marry unless he wanted it with all his heart as I do.

January the 9th, and a Tuesday

Today Martel and I did spend quite some time alone together in the Duelists' Room, though I would blush to describe that time further. Sometimes it seems that I cannot get close enough to him, and that I want never to be out of his arms. But luckily his responsibility to lead the Duelists sword practice at 2 bells did bring us to our senses, and we did go to the Practice Room, where he did defeat me soundly and repeatedly ... as did almost everyone with whom I sparred today. I think our time in the Duelists' Room did leave me distracted.

January the 10th, and a Wednesday

Word of Dame Oriana's death now spreads through the castle, and many are grieving, though only those of us who awakened so long ago did even have a chance to meet her. I never knew her well, and so my emotions are not so extreme as some. Sera Arrion, for example, did tear her hair and strike the floor and weep so that she seemed unable to reason. In the face of such emotion from one I know and trust so little, I felt helpless and awkward, and did leave her to the comfort of ser Robert who knows and loves her as his sister in the Duelists.

Today I was finally able to talk with Armsman Philo, whom I have been seeking for some days now. I have worried that my finding a triad, my potentially impending induction into the Duelists, and my support of Martel in this Knight's Quest ... that all of these things might mount up to make him feel that we were not such good friends. But we talked, and all is well, much to my relief.

And now for the most difficult part of today. My oath-sister Edanya did call our triad (Duraze and myself) and Faer's triad (Faer, Kiera, and Robert) into the Duelists' Room this eve to tell us that she had made some deal with ser Morte. She made us all swear that we would seek no revenge, no duel, and then did tell us that Faer was relieved of her own obligation to the ser. Edanya will not tell us what this deal cost her, but does assure me that she is well, and that only her pride was hurt, and that the only lasting effects of this will be Faer's freedom and ser Morte's smirking when he sees Edanya. I worry for her, but must trust her in this, as she is adamant.

January the 11th, and a Thursday

Today I had the good fortune to spend much time with Martel. Thanks to his generous loan of the practice blades, I led an impromptu sword practice, and he did compliment me on my teaching skill ... though one might expect that, as I have modeled my techniques on his.

After the sword practice, we did talk for some time with sera Mintle, for she will be serving as a sort of assistant to me, so that I may feel less overwhelmed. Martel and I are so close now that we seem to work in tandem, sharing so many of our thoughts and feelings. Working together today with sera Mintle did make that only more clear to me, and it felt wonderful to be so close to him.

Later in the eve, I attended the Duelists' meeting, but did leave early when Duren behaved disruptively, which is not uncommon. Duren has suffered much in recent days, and I have been wary of trusting him in the wake of his rash behaviors. But today I did realize that he is in pain, and that his pain results not from purposeful injury to others but rather from bad decisions. Should I ostracize someone for making poor decisions? Where is the compassion in that? And so I did find him, and we did talk long, and he did weep much, and I held him. I know not what the future of our friendship may be, but I will not villainize him for poor judgment.

Even later in the eve, I spoke with Duraze, and he told me of an encounter he had had today with ser Alexand and sera Catharsis, in which they had tried to appease him in his anger over Catharsis's refusal of the duel challenge. As he described the scene, he seemed certain that he had behaved rightly, but as I listened I became increasingly convinced that he had been rude and ungracious. I honestly think that ser Alexand and sera Catharsis were doing their best to heal this breach, and Duraze simply threw their efforts back into their faces. And so he and I talked long, and at length he saw my side, and I brought Catharsis to him, and he did apologize. She also did apologize, to both of us, for her anger and irrational words in the Refectory. I had found her publicly posted apology to be somewhat stingey, but in our talk today I felt much more respected, and my resentment toward her is healed. I know not if we shall ever be friends again, but I do not consider her an enemy.

January the 12th, and a Friday

Today, after a discussion with several friends, I did sit down to sort through the notes I have accumulated in the nearly four months since my awakening in this place ... notes of things I have learned about the history of the castle and the people within it. I found that my old system of scribbling on random scrolls and shoving them into a basket resulted in much frustration, and I spent much of the morn sorting and recopying information until I felt I had it all more organized. It was not until I was re-reading and recopying these notes, though, that I was able to make some connections between ideas. I am now once again pondering ser Selwyn's case, and am wondering what it might teach us about other mysteries that have been occurring around us in recent days. I must talk to Faer about this when she has time.

This eve Martel was behaving somewhat strangely, and I begin to suspect that my friends who did promise to me that they would not reveal my recent thoughts on marriage do not hold to their word. I had thought that I could trust them, but now think mayhap I should be more circumspect. I know that they seek only to help, but in this case I think that Martel must be left to his own, to find the path of his heart. I want not to marry him because my friends have convinced him it is the right thing to do. That would be a sort of hell.

After Martel retired, I spent some time in the Refectory near the fireplace, where an impromptu poetry recital sprang up, inspired by ser Doren's reappearance. Ser Doren, First Initiate Elea, ser Morte, and sera Kiera all recited poems, and Watchman Gareth told a fascinating tale. In the midst of Watchman Gareth's story, Duraze came in and whispered to me with such joyful news that I had difficulty listening politely, no matter how fascinating the story I had been hearing. I hope that we may speak more soon, so that I may learn more of these happy tidings ... which I feel I should not write here, as I know not yet whether others should know, and I live in fear that this journal might be found and read by other eyes. I would not betray my oath-brother's confidence (even if he has betrayed mine, in urging Martel toward marriage), and so I will write no more this eve, but shall retire with a glad heart.

January the 13th, and a Saturday

Today Martel and I spent more time together, working on our various joint projects. Seras Mintle, Myrrh, and Drusilla are helping us with the dance contest, and it looks as if sers Ewan and Rand will be helping to organize the dueling tourney we have proposed. We have yet to obtain the Lord Chamberlain's permission for these projects ... but Martel's influence is such that I think that will not be a problem. We have talked much recently of how dark events do seem to surround us in this place, and how we long for more happy days. And so we will do our best to work together to create some happy days both for ourselves and for the other residents of this castle.

After spending much of the day happily sequestered with Martel near his fireplace, I did talk in the eve with Lobo. He did seem to seek my approval of his renewed pursuit of sera Diana ... but I could not give it. He and Zero both do seem made of different stuff than I ... giving their hearts so easily to new loves when the old are gone. In the time I have known him, Lobo has had four loves: seras Evayne, Duvessa, Diana, and Linnet. And he seemed to move from one to the other quite quickly and easily. My heart is not like that, and I have difficulty understanding it.

Later in the eve, I did speak with Armsman Philo for a time, and he did speak to me of his goals, and his ideas of duty. We both do our utmost to serve Her Majesty as best we can ... and sometimes that is complicated. Life, even in this circumscribed place, is not always simple.