Punzel's Private Journal

December the 31st, and a Sunday

Today has been relatively uneventful, as I slept much of the day. My wound seems to do well, and I hope to be able to begin sparring again (though cautiously at first, of course) next week ... mayhap at Martel's Tuesday practice, some 9 days from now, if I feel strong enough. I have continued to think much about the Duelists, and today did write a scroll with questions about their oath, and did send it to the members of the senior triad. I hope that I may learn the wording of their oath, that I might know whether I should continue to pursue this path. If entrance into the Inner Bailey requires breaking their oath, then I should cease to waste their time and my own, for I will take no oath while I have the goal of breaking it.

This eve I did briefly attend sera Charmiam and sera Jasmine's party to celebrate the Tanabata Stars. I had not remembered that the event was to take place, and entered the Refectory to find sera Charmiam most persistent in attempting to kiss me, which is apparently some tradition for this event. I did at first push her away, but she did approach me again, and I wished not to shame her before her friends, and did allow her to kiss my cheek ... but I could wish that she had respected my initial rejection, for she did make me most uncomfortable. When I did briefly enter the Refectory again later, Zero did take the opportunity to kiss me quite soundly before all, and I was much embarrassed.

And this eve I did talk with both Zero and Duraze, though separately, as there seems to be a tension between them, resulting from their relationships with both sera Charmiam and myself. Duraze too now seems interested in seeking to join the Duelists, and I would gladly call him my oath-brother, but must try not to express this to Edanya, lest she feel pressured. Edanya is about so rarely that I fear she will never come to know any third well enough to trust them as an oath-sibling.

January the 1st, and a Monday

This eve I did talk briefly with my uncle Lobo, and did realize how little he is a part of my life anymore. We once were very close, but we have barely spoken in more than a month, and so much has happened in that time that I cannot explain it all to him. If we are to become close again, it will take time, for we must in some ways start again.

And this eve I did hear rumors that ser Starke had reappeared, and that Duren attacked him, insisting that Starke had cheated in order to defeat me in our duel. I know that Duren finds it difficult to accept, but ser Starke defeated me fairly and honorably, and I cannot condone this brawl. Some do say that ser Starke was seriously injured, and apparently Duren has been confined to the dungeon. I worry much, and have tried to learn more, but all do seem confused about the precise events. Some talk of ser Jayland being involved, and even ser Andrew. This occurrence is not good.

And later in the eve, before I did retire, I played the question game with Harwood, Duraze, and Edanya. I know that Duraze was somewhat uncomfortable with Harwood and Edanya to start, for they are so merry and sometimes bawdy, but he did decide to stay, and I am glad he did, for we all had a very pleasant evening together. Regardless of triads, I enjoy spending time with my friends, and would like for Edanya to know Duraze, especially as we may all be Duelists together, even if we are not a triad. Cedric, too, is one we should come to know better still ... for we must find who will balance us best. It is not a popularity contest, but a quest to find three hearts, minds, and souls that work well together.

January the 2nd, and a Tuesday

Today I did little except talk with friends and attend Martel's afternoon sword practice. I did even, with Edanya and Martel's approval, spar for the first time since my injury, though Martel beat me soundly all three bouts. Later, I sparred also with Zero, though I hope that Edanya may not find out, as I think she would be angry. She says that she expects that in another two or three days, I may be well enough to spar as I like, and I very much look forward to that day! This bandage, though now less bulky than during the first week, annoys and distracts me, and causes unsightly bulges beneath my clothing. I look forward to putting this duel and this injury behind me.

Edanya and Duraze seemed to be very friendly with each other, and it did my heart good, for I know that Edanya is friendly with many, but trusts few. I think that Duraze may be a good friend to her, for he is one I trust deeply. I see the shape of a triad here, but say not so to either of them, for fear of causing it to vanish by looking at it too closely.

Tonight Martel and I plan to spend time together, for we have both been so busy of late. I have thought much of him in recent days, as I have spoken to Duraze of my feelings for him, and how we came to know and love each other. I fear we may actually even dodge one of our responsibilities, and miss tonight's Awakeners' meeting, in order to find time to be together. But one must be selfish sometimes ... it is not healthy to always sacrifice one's own needs and desires. And so we will be together, and I cannot wait!

January the 3rd, and a Wednesday

At long last, I have a triad! Today, great confusion and misunderstanding led Edanya, Duraze, and me to sit and talk seriously of this possibility between us. After much talk, we did understand each other better, and did realize that we all did want the same thing, which was a triad of us three. And thus it was born! We all were very happy afterward, and did celebrate in the Refectory near the fire. I still can barely believe it! It has been almost exactly two months since I did begin seriously seeking oath-siblings, but this is the first group that has felt instinctively right. I am more happy than I can say, and I know that Martel and Faer will be very pleased as well, when I tell them tomorrow.

The only sad element of the formation of this triad is that we will need to tell Cedric, whom we had also spoken to as a potential oath-sibling. Having been so often in his position, I have difficulty telling him this, as I know how difficult it is to find a potential triad, only to see it vanish. It will be hard.

In other sad news, today I did leave the guild of The Awakened, for the Awakeners now receive enchanted messages every time a Newly Awakened wanders the halls. I found these messages so distressing, especially in their constancy on some evenings, that I felt that I simply could not continue so. I will continue to help Newly Awakened as I can, but will wear the necklace no longer. It did grieve me to tell sera Kiera, but I feel it was the right thing for me to do.

In lesser news, sera Hetchel did speak most amazingly to Martel and Duraze and me this afternoon, telling Martel much more than we had yet been able to learn of the Dove Tower. Among other things, she said that certain places where strong emotions have been experienced can come to be imbued with those emotions, and that the Dove Tower is imbued with both Love and Jealousy. I know not yet what this information may mean, but I hope to learn, as it does affect Martel most closely.

And I would also write here of my time with Martel yestereve, but I fear to write the words lest someone might see them. My love for him does seem to grow with every day, even when we cannot be together. He does not speak romantic words so much as some, but I hope that his love for me grows, as well. We do sometimes seem to share one mind, we grow so close, understand each other so well. I hope we also share one heart.

January the 4th, and a Thursday

Today has been a day of much frustration, ending rather abruptly in an emotional explosion of sorts. I did spend the morn with Martel in pleasant and loving conversation, and then we did go together to talk outside the shrine during Ewan and Margaret's wedding vigil, lest they be disturbed by one who has threatened them. We did wait outside for some three bells, at which time I did join ser Alexand inside the shrine for another bell, where we did guard Margaret and Ewan during their prayers and meditations.

At four bells, I did away to an important meeting ... which unfortunately did not occur. But I dare not write more here until I have learned as much as I can, and that must wait until at least tomorrow.

I did await that meeting until 6 bells, at which time I did adjourn to the corridor outside the Duelists' Room, to await the Duelists' weekly meeting. Unfortunately, after waiting outside the shrine for three bells, inside the shrine for one bell, and outside my meeting place for two bells, I found my patience rapidly growing thin outside the Duelists' Room. Instead of admitting us rapidly, before 7 bells, as is their wont, the Duelists today kept us waiting two and one half bells, and by the time they did permit us to enter, I was in a fine temper. I do understand that their meeting had been difficult, that the guild is having great problems ... but how can they expect prospective members to believe in the truth of their theory of mutual respect and support when they cannot even respect us enough to send one to tell us that we should not wait? Coming on the heels of their lack of responsiveness to our questions, this angered me much, and I fear I did impetuously leave the meeting soon after entering.

My day has been spent in waiting ... and at the end I did see Martel but briefly, as he walked away on the arm of sera Allenya. It seems that I am ever watching him escort other ladies away. But I am weary and the day's events have tired me much. I will write no more in this wretched mood. Mayhap all will look better in the morning's light. Tomorrow is the start of Martel's knighthood quest, and I hope the day does dawn auspiciously for him.

January the 5th, and a Friday

The main event of this day was the first challenge in the Knight's Quest. But in the time immediately preceding that event, sera Catharsis did verbal attack me in the Refectory for no reason that I can understand, and no reason she would explain. I did walk into the room and she did suddenly and viciously begin to berate me before many witnesses, accusing me of lacking honor, intelligence, judgment, and even morals. I did challenge her, of course, when she did wrong me so, but she did refuse to accept my challenge, and did also refuse to explain her reasons for slandering me so. Many were present, but to my amazement none seemed to find her behavior objectionable ... it seems that she is not the only one to think so little of me and my honor. Even Robert, whom I would expect -- as a Duelist -- to take slights against honor seriously, did mock me when I did take offense. Only my oath-brother Duraze did stand beside me against her attack, but she did refuse his challenge as well, stating that she will not duel. She did not even offer to settle the matter in a duel of honor using dulled practice blades ... she did but flatly refuse us, like a coward and a hypocrite.

I say a hypocrite, because she did of course then proceed to duel both Armsman Philo and Martel in the Knighthood Challenge. I can only assume, then, that she does duel only when she has some concrete reward to gain from it ... and defense of honor does not concern her. I find this disgusting, and no more shall she ever be friend of mine ... for I cannot respect such as she. I cannot respect someone who has so little respect for others ... so little honor.

And the worst of it is that Lord Sicard and his Knights did then choose her above all others as an example of honor in use of the sword. When a tie was reached in this evening's challenge, they did award her the prize, and did praise her, and say that they had chosen her because she 'ever defends honor'. Do they not know this woman? Can they not see? I can only assume that they have received false reports of her, if they would think her more honorable than Martel, in any respect.

My rage and disbelief over this has been moderated only by my concern for Martel, as he has taken this slight at the hands of Lord Sicard and the Knights very hard. It was bad enough to lose the challenge to sera Catharsis, when all know that Martel is by far the better with a sword ... but to have these men whom he has idolized, whom he has worked so hard to emulate ... to have them ignore all that Martel has done, and raise up this woman who will attack others and give them no satisfaction ... to have them choose her, and proclaim her of greater honor than he ... this slight cannot be recovered from easily. He is devastated, and does keep to his room, and does push me away when I do try to comfort him. I know not what I can do, but I do try to ease his pain as I may, listening to him and holding him when he will allow it. I must back to him now.

January the 6th, and a Saturday

Martel's grief and self-reproachment do continue, and he did still keep to his room all this day. He did push me away such that I did leave him to his meditations, for he needs find his balance again, after this crushing blow. I trust our hearts' bond, but it seems that my love for him cannot comfort him in this. He must find his own way, though I will stay near, that I can offer help when he has need of me.

This eve my triad did meet with sera Allenya and ser Edouard, and I did try to put Martel's grief and sera Catharsis's dishonor to the back of my mind, that I might not harm my triad with my distraction. The meeting was more comfortable than I had expected, as I know sera Allenya almost not at all and was surprised to find her so companionable and welcoming. Edanya and Duraze and I were put at our ease, and did simply talk honestly and openly, and did behave as we normally do with each other, and I do believe that sera Allenya and ser Edouard were favorably impressed with us. We should learn "soon" if our triad will be accepted, though I know not when "soon" may be.

I did tell Martel of the meeting, and he did seem pleased, though it is difficult to tell in his current state. It enrages me that Martel has been so wronged. I know not if he will even continue in the competition, for he does feel so betrayed and yet simultaneously feels that he has dishonored his guild and himself, that he has let everyone down. It enrages me that sera Catharsis can wrong me so, can insult my honor and refuse a duel of honor, and be rewarded for this behavior by Lord Sicard and his Knights. Martel will almost certainly continue in the competition out of respect for Her Majesty Queen Vivienne, but his heart is not in it now, I think. Nor is mine. I walk about the castle, and all look to me like betrayers who care not for dishonor and injustice ... they smile upon it or look away.