Punzel's Private Journal

December the 26th, and a Tuesday

I fear I have not written in this journal in some time, for I have slept much since I did tire myself on Friday by lying on the sofa in the Sunshine Room most of the day, chatting with friends and even reciting my new poem for them. The poem did tire me most of all, for it is a long poem describing the Winter Ball, in an attempt to give those who were unable to attend some feel for the wonderful event.

Though others did come and go, Zero spent much of the day with me in the Sunshine Room, for he was very nervous about his intended meeting with Corporal Petris that eve. In whispered conversations, I did entreat him to reconsider his plan to resign from the Winter Watch, but he did seem most intractable. Afterward, he did come to me again, very pale and somewhat in shock from Corporal Petris's angry words.

Zero now does think to seek to join the Duelists, and has expressed interest in joining a triad with myself and Edanya. And though I do value his friendship, and would stand by him through any trial, I have been honest with him that I have serious reservations about having him for an oath-brother, which I am resolved to discuss with Edanya. My concerns are two-fold:

1. My previous confusion about my feelings for him, and his feelings for me, seems to make such a close relationship somewhat ill-advised.
2. He seems to move from the Winter Watch to the Duelists as easily as he moved from sera Nightraven to sera Charmiam, and even more quickly. He was betrothed to sera Nightraven, and yet he pledged his heart to me the very night that he ended that betrothal, and then moved on to sera Charmiam only days later. I think Zero does bond his heart ... and unbond it ... too hastily.

And there is still Cedric, with whom I have discussed a triad for these many long weeks. He was one of the first with whom I did think to join, and I was much heartened by his renewed interest. Before Zero did even speak to me of his problems with the Winter Watch, Cedric and I had resolved to speak with Edanya, and -- since Martel does assure me that Cedric does not believe me dishonored in the wake of my duel -- if Cedric does still consider pursuing the Duelists' path, I hope the three of us may speak.

December the 27th, and a Wednesday

I am greatly weary, and must to my bed in a few moments, for I have overtired myself today. Today I did give my etiquette lecture for Honored Guests, and did find them a crowd surprisingly as unruly as those to whom I teach the introductory etiquette lecture. Largely due to interruptions which were not their fault, but still I did grow increasingly frustrated. When Martel and Katherine resolved to immediately practice their duet for the upcoming Poets' Brotherhood meeting, when I still had not finished my lecture, I did finally lose my patience and leave. I will offer this lecture again on the coming Friday, but think that in my posting regarding this I will request a bit more respect. Even though they are Her Majesty's Honored Guests and I am not, I could hope that they would respect me when I offer to help.

I did also speak at length with Edanya today regarding both Zero and Cedric. She seemed very concerned about Zero as a potential oath-sibling ... we talked at length, and decided that we must tell him that we thought it not a good match. We then talked of Cedric, who did then happen upon us, and the three of us did talk. We hope to speak together at more length tomorrow, to see if we would make a good triad.

Then there was a meeting of the Poets' Brotherhood, where many merry songs were sung, and where I did recite two poems: the first being my new Winter Ball poem (which was very well received) and the second being a poem which a friend had asked me to recite, regarding those who seek to harm the Duelists. The second poem met with much confusion, but I hope it achieves the effect the author had hoped for.

I then did attend a Garden Society meeting, but sera Roxanne had little information to offer us, for she has been very busy with other matters, including Dame Oriana's illness. I hope that in the next meeting, we may learn more, though I know not if I should associate with the guild, as it may be out of favor with the court, and may harm my chances of becoming one of Her Majesty's Honored Guests. The giant rat which has lately plagued the castle and bitten so many did invade the meeting, and afterward I found myself so exhausted that I did leave the meeting to retire somewhere less noisy.

Zero and I then talked for some time, and I told him of some of my concerns about having him for an oath-brother, and the conversation was very difficult. He seemed to cling to joining my triad as his direction in which he was turning, upon leaving the Winter Watch. But I wish he had spoken more with me on the subject before making his rash decision, that he might have known of both Cedric and my hesitations. But he knows them now, and we did part very sadly, and he did say that I may not see him for a while.

I then did speak, in the very late evening, with Armsman Philo, for I have feared that he has been angry with me these past days ... for he has looked at me so distantly. We spoke at length, and cleared the air between us, but I am often hurt that he trusts me so little ... so often assumes the worst about my behavior. It is a difficult path I walk, being friend to the Armsman, Martel, and also Zero. But, as I told Zero today, the man who tries to force me to choose will be the man who loses my friendship. I hope none of them will venture so far. I trust that Martel will not, but the other two ... I know not what the future will bring.

December the 28th, and a Thursday

It is actually early in the morn on Friday as I write this, for I have stayed up nearly all night talking with ser Duraze, my new friend. He reminds me much of both Zero and Rand (whom, by the way, I have not seen in mayhap two weeks now, since well before my duel ... I hope that all is well!), and I hope that we will be good friends. We were, unfortunately, harassed by ser Nefertum [Heraldmage] more of the evening than I would have liked. He twice interrupted us and refused to leave when politely asked, then repeatedly slighted me and my honor, as well as the honor of the path of the sword. He insisted that he is in all ways opposed to any kind of violence, and used that as an excuse for refusing those challenges which have been issued to him in response to his repeated treasonous slanders of Her Majesty (those I trust tell me that he has even said that the Queen should die, and that he had a plan), as well as his slights against myself (for indeed ser Duraze was angered and did challenge him, to no avail). I find his stance of non-violence as an excuse for his cowardice and lack of honor difficult to believe, given my vivid memories of his enthusiasm for the Duelists when first I met him. He was most insistent on his intention of pursuing the honorable path of the sword, but now claims the opposite, when it suits him. When next I see Armsman Philo, I will tell him what I know of ser Nefertum, and allow him to pursue the charges of treason, if he wishes.

Earlier in the day, Edanya and I had words, for we misunderstood each other in our pursuit of a triad. She felt pressured by my fondness for Cedric, when all I had intended was that the three of us talk to know each other better, to determine whether a triad would be beneficial to all of us. When the three of us did talk, later, the two of them were very awkward, and I know not how to proceed. I think mayhap I should simply step out of the way, and allow circumstances to take their course. Though I know not how we shall ever form a complete triad if we do not specifically talk to those whom we know, and like, and know to pursue the same path.

After my talk with my potential oath-mates, I arrived at the Duelists' meeting this eve with many questions and concerns. Edanya and I have agreed to cease pursuit of membership in the guild until the senior triad will agree to show us the oath to which we would swear. Neither of us feels comfortable with pursuing membership in a guild which will not even tell us the oath they require us to take. Faer tells us generalities, but none will tell us the specifics ... which would affect such things as my goal of being accepted into the Inner Bailey. Unfortunately, none of the senior triad had enough respect for prospective members to even attend the meeting, and so my questions went unanswered, my concerns unexpressed. When, much later, ser Mark did arrive, we were asked to leave ... well, actually, only I was asked to leave, as Zero was invited back in. Why should I continue on this path? I begin to have difficulty remembering, when I feel they respect me so little.

Of the other events of this eve, I cannot write here, for they are secret and dangerous. Dangerous not to me, I think, though I must take that into consideration. I have a task to complete, as a favor to one loved by those dear to me, and I will begin it tomorrow. I know not if I shall succeed, but I will do my best.

December the 29th, and a Friday

Today was a relatively uneventful day ... or, at least, I can write here of few of the day's events. But I did speak at length again with ser Duraze, and did talk to him much about Martel, and how we met, and how I fell in love with him. I spoke of our first meeting, when ser Dolfin introduced us outside the Practice Hall while Martel was preparing for his duel with ser Victor ... and how Martel, though very busy with his duel preparations, took the time to speak very kindly with me, and welcome me to the castle, and offer his help should I ever need it. I was still so shy and frightened at that time, still disguised as a boy, but I remember how his words warmed me. At the time, I thought I fell in love with him then, but I know now it was truly only a sort of hero-worship, and I did not truly fall in love until I began to know his flaws, many weeks later, when I spoke so seriously with both him and Armsman Philo (then Watchman Philo) about their anger toward each other. I remember sitting with him on the open rampart above the drawbridge, and listening to him, and beginning to see the man instead of the hero. I disagreed with him, and thought he had behaved wrongly, but in seeing him as a complex person instead of a perfect being, in listening to him and trying to truly understand, I changed my life.

This eve Duraze talked to me as well, though I will not betray his trust by writing his words here ... we have become very close very quickly, and I often seek him now when I am about. I think that he and Martel will like each other very much. They have met, but know each other not well. I sense a similar sort of strength in the two of them, deep in their hearts.

December the 30th, and a Saturday

My wound seems much better today ... many movements that caused pain before are now much easier for me, and Zero need not constantly chide me for laughing, since it does not now cause me enough discomfort to show on my face. I know it will be some time still before I am strong enough to spar again, and I still tire easily, but I do feel that I am recovering, and that comforts me much.

Today I did spend much time with various friends, including playing the question game with Duraze and Armsman Philo, until we were interrupted by others who gave the Armsman a cursed cider which caused him to speak in rhyme. Duraze and I did also spend more time talking today, and he gave me a portrait he had drawn of me, which is an excellent work but far too flattering. Late in the eve, we had somewhat of an argument, and I became very upset when I felt he did belittle the Duelists by referring to them as a "social club" ... but I think in my description of the guild I may have misled him, and also that I may have misunderstood his own words in return. We made amends, but without truly clearing the matter, and so I hope that we may speak more on it some other time.

I also did speak with Zero this eve, and he did anger me as well, for he did say much against the Armsman, putting me in the position of defending one beloved friend to another. All of my good friends have their flaws, as do I ... that does not stop me from loving them or being loyal to them. I know that Zero is on the receiving end of the Armsman's anger and judgment right now, and those are two of the Armsman's barriers to Balance ... but I feel that Zero's behavior toward and words about both the Armsman and Corporal Petris are not as honorable as they could be. As I told Zero yestereve, the Corporal is a representative of and servant to Her Majesty Queen Vivienne, and if one overtly disrespects him, they also disrespect She who reigns here. I may dislike the Corporal immensely, but by rendering him courtesy, I also render courtesy to our Queen.

In a much less adversarial passage of time, I also spoke again with ser Benedict this eve. We had begun to form a sort of friendship in the days before my duel, and it was pleasant to continue that. He told me of how he received the scar that marks his cheek, and I recited for him the poem I wrote for Giving Day. I enjoy this friendship, and hope it will continue to grow. I have much missed my sisters of late, for they both are so very busy, and my uncle does have almost no time at all for us since he has met sera Linnet. I miss the times we all did spend together, and I think I do seek stronger friendships with others as a way of filling that empty space in my heart.