Punzel's Private Journal

October the 29th

This eve was the Giving Day Dance, and I did recite my poem. I did tell the castle the truth, that I am no boy as they have all thought me to be until today. And my life was, in those few moments, transformed. I know not how to even understand some of these changes.

I did receive one Giving Day gift this day, after finishing my poem. Ser Joachim, who I do know but very little, did give me a cloak clasp. I understand not why he did give it to me, but it is beautiful.

And I did dance. With both Ser Zero (whose lady love was unable to attend) and Ser Rand. Ser Zero did twirl me about until I was quite dizzy and laughing so that my sides did ache.

I have been awake very late, speaking with Ser Rand. He is a good friend, and I think he will be an excellent Duellist. But now I must sleep. This has been a very exciting, but exhausting day. Who knows what tomorrow may bring!

October the 30th

Today I did have a most frightening encounter with a ... creature ... or man ... which did call itself "Walker", and which did look exactly like Rand. I know not what it wants of me. It does state that it seeks to protect Rand from me, but the creature does speak with two voices, and one of them does cry out to me not to listen to the other. I am frightened, and would speak to Ser Martel of this.

Rand and I did speak of this matter, and he seems as confused as I. In fact, we did spend much time together this day, and my feelings are very confused. Ser Martel will not have me, but does ask me to give him time. But I do see all others in this place, and they do all seem to be in love. It is very hard.

I must talk with Katherine of this, for I do fear that I do take advantage of Rand's feelings. I would not hurt him, if I can avoid it, but the affection he does offer does so tempt me, even as my heart is given already. I do worry that we know each other but little and I am but intoxicated by being recognized as a woman.

October the 31st

I did attempt to speak to Ser Martel of the "Walker" creature this day, but his lady did arrive during our conversation, and he did dismiss me most abruptly and with little courtesy. My feelings were dreadfully hurt, and I did seek Rand. Seeing how Rand's eyes did look upon me, I saw more clearly how little Martel must feel for me. He does never seek my company, but does only speak with me when I do pursue him. I will cease. When I do have a trouble, I will seek the Watchman, for he is my friend and does not treat me so callously.

Any other who did treat me so, I would not feel as much pain. But seeing Martel's eyes slide past me, seeing him dismiss me so easily when but days ago I did think he cared for me ... I cannot bare it. That he does think so little of me ... And that he does show no reaction when Ser Rand does pursue me in his presence ... he cannot truly care if he feels so little.

Ser Rand does assure me that the "Walker" creature will plague me no more, so in fact there was no need for me to embarrass myself in seeking Ser Martel.

I will seek him no more. If he does desire my company, he can seek it. I will not follow him about and humiliate myself in front of his loathesome lady and all the castle.

In my woe this eve, I did meet a most intriguing gentleman named Ser Namir who did take my mind off my troubles. He did flirt with me most outrageously in the Observation Room, and did even rub my back! I blush now to think of many of the things I did say to him.

And yet it was such a relief to set aside the cares of the castle for a few moments. I do worry so, every day, trying to help everyone I can, and trying to wait patiently for Ser Martel to find the path of his heart. This eve I did allow myself to be selfish, for Ser Namir was a most outrageous flirt, and I did have no fear of causing him pain. With Rand, I do worry, and with Martel I do feel too strongly.

But I was drawn to the laughter and sadness in Ser Namir's eyes. And he did drain the tension from my body. I am grateful to him for that respite. I am certain the nightmares will not visit me tonight.

November the 1st

Indeed I did have no nightmares yestereve, and did wake somewhat groggy from the deep sleep. When I did find my way to the Refectory to seek breakfast, Namir was there. We did spend much of the morning together in my favorite room, the green circular room with the windows. I blush to write this, but he did kiss me, and did tell me that he did love me ... and I did feel drawn to him ... and I did kiss him back, though I did tell him that my heart is not free.

Then this eve I did receive a scroll from him, stating that he had made powerful enemies in the castle and was leaving, mayhap never to return. I understand not how he can leave ... but nor do I understand how he did know so much about all he met here.

And I did speak angrily with Ser Martel in the corridor outside the Refectory this afternoon. I know not if even our friendship will survive this matter ... though that would grieve me more than I can say.

And this eve saw another encounter with the "Walker" creature ... and I did shout at it, and Rand did tell me that I had banished it. I understand not ... but hope that this time the creature is truly gone.

Now I must to my rest.

November the 2nd

This morn I did spar with Martel in the practice room, and hitting him repeatedly (and even besting him once!) did much to vent my recent anger and frustration. He was very patient, but distant as always.

I did also speak with Sera Faer briefly, and I do find her a most admirable woman. When I did worry about whether or not to reveal my secret, I did often watch her, as a model of what a woman can be in this castle. She did, most surprisingly, speak to me of my heart ... and of men ... when I had expected only a discussion of the sword. But her words did leave me feeling more calmed than my sparring with Martel had done. I am very grateful to her for her kindness to me. I would not be so bold as to consider her a friend, but I do like her very much.

November the 3rd

I cannot write what did happen today. I cannot even believe it! How can my world shift so dramatically, so many times in the same week? Some day, this will out, and then I will write more of it here. But for now I must again be 'circumspect' ... and not write things that would cause pain to others.

[Inserted later: This was the day when Martel did kneel before me in the Cupola, and did ask permission to court me once he had told sera Anastacia the truth of his feelings. Out of respect for his need to talk with her, I did not dare to write here of it at the time, lest someone find this journal and tell her before he was able to do so.]

November the 4th

Today I did argue with Philo about Corporal Petris. I did say that I worried that the people of the castle -- not just the Duelists, but the unallied people -- did find Corporal Petris's inflammatory behavior troublesome, that many did now turn away from the Watch as a result. He would not listen to me, but did insist that the problem did stem from the Duelists' Circle, and I did become angry with his refusal to listen, and I did leave.

I was miserable every moment between my departure and our reconciliation. I did find him, and ask to speak with him, and he was so distant! It was terrible. To have a friend look at me thus! But I did apologize, and all was well, and I decided never to speak again to him of Corporal Petris, for my feelings have not changed.

Now that I think on it, the Watchman did not apologize to me for his own intransigence. Now that I think on it, I like that not.

And again, I cannot write of the other events of this eve, though they do distress me so greatly. I am grateful that I have found friends, and gathered a sort of family here, for they do so comfort me in these times. As I now retire to my rest, I know not the fate of my friendship with Ser Martel. I do feel that he has betrayed me. A sorry end to my sixth week in this place. A sorry end, indeed.

[Inserted later: My grief this eve was due to Martel's failure to speak to sera Anastacia. Despite the fact that I did see them sitting close together in the Refectory, he did later tell me he had been unable to tell her, and I did feel bitterly betrayed and spent a miserable night, uncertain of his true feelings.]