Punzel's Private Journal

November the 5th

This eve I wandered lonely in the halls. Illiana did speak with me about the plans for her wedding to Artegal, and I was so happy for her ... but I was also aware of the pain that Martel was feeling, somewhere else in the castle, and sad for the fact that I could not go to him.

Today he did end his relationship with sera Anastacia, and I know that it did cause him great pain. I now try to avoid him, and leave him to his healing. When he does feel ready to renew our friendship, I trust that he will approach me.

But it is difficult to avoid a friend who is grieving. I wish there was something I could do to help ... but I think that the only help I can give is through my absence. And so I will give him that.

November the 6th

Today I came much closer to a decision to join the Duelists' Circle. I do still desire to speak to Sera Allenya, when she does have the time, but I have tentatively decided now. But this begins the difficult process of finding oath-brothers (and/or -sisters). If I will join the Duelists, it must be as part of a triad, and the other two with whom my oath would bind me must be people for whom I would be willing to die, people beside whom I would stand against any who threaten, people to whom I would entrust my own life.

The only people for whom I do feel this kind of heart-bond are duelists (such as Martel, Sera Faer, and Sera Kiera), Watchmen (Philo and Artegal), or uninterested in such matters (such as Katherine and Illiana).

Now that I think on it, I have seen Lobo at a number of practices, both Watch and Duelist practices. Mayhap I should speak with him. He is certainly one in whom I could put my complete trust. But he must follow his own heart. Still, I should speak to him.

November the 7th

A relatively uneventful day today. But this eve I did speak with Lobo, and he did tell me that he had spoken with Sera Anastacia, as I requested. (Martel had indicated that she might be very upset, and had thought that she might speak to my uncle, who has been kind to her.)

Apparently, the lady does blame me for Martel's decision to end their relationship. And Lobo does feel that I should speak with her, alone, to resolve the issue. I did send her a scroll, agreeing to speak with her, but I do feel most nervous. Last time, I did lose my temper. When I did agree to speak with her after that, I did request that Lobo be present, to help me behave better. Now she would speak to me alone, and I can only try my best to control my temper.

And of course I am nervous because I know that there is some truth in her blame ... that Martel does seem to have feelings for me. But ... how can she blame me for his feelings? I did but be his friend, and be honest with him. I wonder if she did ever do either of those things?

I do hope that we can speak reasonably, but I fear that all will not go well. I do await her response to my scroll. This eve I did seek her throughout the castle, but could find her not.

November the 8th

I did finally speak with Sera Anastacia this eve, but was puzzled by her chosen topic of conversation. She spoke almost not at all of Ser Martel, and did instead speak for nearly an hour about herself, painting a picture of an angelic creature who did nought but strive to save humanity. She repeatedly expressed her lack of understanding of why I could not seem to comprehend her true perfection.

I did attempt to explain, did repeatedly attempt to discuss my feeling that she has refused to take responsibility for her own choices and actions, but she did not seem to hear me. In the end, after getting rarely a chance to speak (for she did interrupt me constantly when I did try to speak), I did lose patience with the conversation, and I did leave.

At least this time, I was able to listen to her, and not become angry. She said some things which did sound to me like misrepresentations of the truth, and she said some things which did offend me (such as when she did say of Watchman Philo, "What I am trying to say is that I did not have choices, and he did. If you should be upset that things raged out of control, you should speak to those that had that control." This did sound disingenuous to me, since she does know that the Watchman is bound, at her own insistence, not to speak of the matter.), but I did not raise my voice, and I did listen carefully and try to understand.

I wish only that she had shown me the same respect.

Also today, at Sera Faer's recommendation, I did speak with Ser Cedric. He too does think to seek to join the Duelists, and we now hope to know each other better, to find if we might choose to be oath-siblings. Neither of us does desire to choose hastily, and I find his caution in this matter admirable. I do also admire his lady, Sera Diana, who does seem a kind and compassionate lady of very good sense. I would be honored to count them both among my friends.

Tomorrow Sir Alrik will announce his decision in the case of Armsman Roland's death. I do know but little of the situation, but heated words have been flying between the Duelists and the Watch. The situation, and the escalating enmity, does disturb me much, but I know not enough to help.

November the 9th

This eve, Sir Alrik did announce the results of his investigation into the hideous death of Armsman Roland. He did decide that the evidence against Ser Edouard of the Duelists does merit a trial. The Duelists' charter was temporarily suspended, and all Duelists were required to relinquish their swords until the matter is resolved.

I know that Martel will be unhappy about this, but I do worry more about Sera Faer. She has seemed most ... volatile lately.

November the 10th

I did spend much of this morn with Martel. He has decided that he no longer wants to keep our relationship a secret, though neither of us does seem certain how to behave now in public. I do think that Sera Anastacia did control the pace and publicness of their relationship. And now the two of us do but stand together as equals, finding our way side by side, with neither of us pushing or leading. It may progress more slowly this way, but mayhap it will be more stable, as well.

This morn, Martel did hold my hand for the first time ... and we did kiss. It was as if it was the first kiss of my life, and I still can feel it on my lips. I have waited so many long weeks for him to look at me and hold me as he did this morn.

It was the best morning I've ever known, and would have been perfect if Martel did not fret over yestereve's events. He did behave somewhat strangely, seeming to listen to voices that none else could hear, and brush at objects that none else could see. I did have to leave, but when I returned this eve, Sera Anabeth did tell me that he had retired to rest. She credits his strange behavior to his lack of sleep last night. I do hope that I may see him tomorrow, and find him recovered from this strangeness.

November the 11th

I did not see Martel today, but nor did I see Sera Faer. I think mayhap they do both keep their privacy today in the aftermath of Sir Alrik's pronouncement. Still, I would wish that Martel had spoken with me, or sent a scroll, as I do miss him, and do still worry on his behavior of yesterday. I did think we did stand side by side, but now I do feel alone again, on the edges of his silent absence.

When I spoke briefly with Lobo about Martel's behavior of yesterday, he did express concern for Martel's sanity, but I am sure that Martel's strength of mind and heart would overcome any challenge put to them. I do instead fear that some magic surrounds him ... so many have been struck by mysterious ailments of late, and he has been so closely involved in attempting to right wrongs and find truth in this place that I am sure he has earned powerful enemies.

Today I did speak some short while with Watchman Philo, and did speak with him on my reasons for feeling drawn to the sword, though I have not spoken to him yet of my recent decision to seek membership in the Duelists. (I must admit, I know not how to tell him, as I do fear that I will lose his friendship which is so dear to me.) Since the Duelists' charter has been temporarily suspended, and none can currently seek induction, I shall think more on this matter in the time that is thrust upon me.

I did tell the Watchman today that I do seek the sword because I would protect and defend myself and others, and teach others to protect and defend themselves. But he did state that one must only use a sword for honor's sake. I did leave my conversation with him confused on the same question which I have asked of Martel and Sera Faer. If I, or some innocent person such as Sara, were physically attacked by an unarmed person whose strength was great ... or by a group of unarmed men ... as in my nightmares ... would a member of the Duelists or the Watch be compelled to let their sword lie idle? If so, I do have no use for their swords. I see no honor in fighting over a harsh word if I might not fight to save an innocent life.

I find myself questioning my decision to seek the Duelists ... questioning whether there is any safety ... any protection or defense ... to be found in this place. Who will protect the innocents?