Punzel's Private Journal

February the 18th, and a Sunday

Little of import this day. I spent my time primarily in helping Newly Awakened (as they have been especially numerous this day) and composing my notes for various advisings on courtesy, for the Courtesy Circle. I did publicly post the courtesy guidelines for dueling, which we had discussed in detail at yesterday's meeting, and am continuing work on guidelines for courtesy in courtship (which we did discuss at last week's meeting, and which I hope to discuss further at the next meeting) and also for courtesy at public events. I find that this latter issue is one that needs immediate addressing, as folk do often behave so rudely, entering a recital by the Poets' Brotherhood while chewing loudly on a meat pie, or interrupting sword instructors to debate questions unrelated to the practice of the blade.

I spent so much time either in my room or in attendance upon Newly Awakened that I find there is little other news to report. Except that I did see sera Jasmine this eve, whom I have not seen for some weeks, and was most pleased to talk with her again. She does still seek to become a Duelist, and I know she will make an excellent addition to our ranks when she does so. I look forward to calling her 'sister'.

February the 19th, and a Monday

Today I did learn that my oath-brother Duraze was injured yestereve quite seriously. I cannot write here of what happened to him, lest someone might find this journal, but I have great concern for him and for his safety. I know he also has concern for the safety of others, and indeed for the safety of Her Majesty and the castle entire. I will stand by him as best I can, and do what I can to protect him and help him, but I do have no head for intrigue, and find it all rather overwhelming.

The rest of the day passed in more mundane matters. I led my usual Monday eve introductory etiquette lecture, which was attended by ser Davog, ser Leeto, ser Selik, and sera Deirdre. It was a successful lecture, including many intelligent and provocative questions, and I enjoyed it much. Ser Davog does seek to become a Duelist, and I think he will be a fine addition to our ranks. Ser Selik I know but little, but he did seem a respectful and good-humored ser, and I will hope to speak more with him on other occasions. Ser Leeto behaved a bit oddly, chewing on items that are not edible, but he did still behave with relative courtesy. And sera Deirdre I begin to consider a friend, as she does seem quite honorable and friendly. I do have my hopes that she will choose to become a Duelist, but I do not speak them to her, for I must allow her to find her own heart's path, and not attempt to sway her.

This eve I did also meet with sera Catharsis -- who is soon to be Dame Catharsis -- to advise her (at her request) on matters of etiquette surrounding her upcoming advancement. I must admit that it did cause me some private pain, to be so advising her, when I think Martel so much more worthy of the honor than she is herself. But I did endeavor to keep my pain from her, and advise her as best I can, for I know this transition must be a frightening one for her in many ways.

February the 20th, and a Tuesday

It seems that both my oath-siblings are now engaged to duel Catharsis, for both Duraze and Edanya have publicly admitted that they find her unworthy of the knighthood to be afforded her by the Court of Honor. I must admit that in speaking this, they have spoken only what many others have whispered privately, and what I myself have even thought. Many folk, when no Battle Guild members are about, have questioned why sera Catharsis was even chosen for the competition, when she had only ever led sword practices and had never shown any particular interest in upholding honor or Her Majesty's name. Many have questioned whether the Court of Honor was misinformed, or simply uninformed, and I must admit that I too have spoken occasionally, though I have tried as best I can to avoid voicing such speculations, no matter how often I have thought them. I know I am biased, for I am so closely involved, having been publicly and unwarrantedly attacked by sera Catharsis, only to have her dishonor herself by refusing my challenge to a duel ... in addition to my feelings over Martel's treatment throughout the knighthood quest, and my sadness at his having been required by honor to refuse the knighthood offered to him. None in the Outer Bailey show better example of what a knight should be than do Martel and the Armsman. And yet it was their very honor and duty which required them both to refuse the knighthood when it was offererd. How sad, that only the competitor with the least honor and duty was free to accept such advancement.

Against sera Catharsis herself I harbor no grudge, as she has but attempted to do what is expected and asked of her. I will aid her as I can in her transition to this new life in the Inner Bailey. I will offer her respect as a strong woman who has been acknowledged by the Court of Honor ... but it does not mean I do not agree with my oath-siblings feelings, even if I would not speak as they have.

Currently, I am contracted to serve as champion to my oath-brother Duraze (for his injuries are too severe to allow him to duel in his own stead), and as second to my oath-sister Edanya. I know not if this creates a conflict of duty, and so will talk with Martel on it in the morn. I will also ask the Armsman when he can find time to talk with me, for he does seem very knowledgeable about such matters and I value his advice highly. It has been long since we have been as close friends as we once were, and my Duelists' pin puts distance between us, but I do not think he has completely turned me away as I had feared, and as others had warned me he would do if ever I did become a Duelist. I swore I would not be pushed away, and so I persist, even in the face of his prejudice. His stubbornness is not so insurmountable as some may think ... or mayhap it is but matched by my own.

February the 21st, and a Wednesday

I spent much of this day with my oath-sister Edanya, helping her train for her duel. We also spent time with Martel and Robert, and even Kiera did join us for a while, so that nearly all of the active members of our guild were gathered to practice together on the terrace, and it was most pleasant. It has been rare for us to spend informal time together so, but I hope that this will change, as it strengthens the bonds of oath-kin and strengthens too our guild. If only Duraze had been there, my happiness would have been complete.

The Armsman and I spoke a short while today, and he did advise that it would be better if I did not both champion Duraze and second Edanya, if both duels are to take place on the same day. For example, if I were injured in Duraze's duel, then I would be unable to second Edanya and take care of her if she too is injured. But then when I spoke with Martel and Edanya (Duraze was not about), they thought that to do both would cause no difficulty. I think my oath-brother may be better served by having Martel as his champion, but have not had the chance to ask him what he thinks of this. I know that it means much to him to have his triad supporting him in this, with one oath-sister as his champion and the other as his second. But I will speak to him when next I may.

The Armsman did need to leave, and so I was not able to ask him the other questions I had for him. He said he would seek me later, but then all was thrown into confusion by the appearance of the Shadow.

Martel and I were talking on the terrace, north of the practice room, when we were suddenly interrupted by the appearance of the Shadow, and the quickly following appearance of a large number of folk seeking the Shadow. The Shadow lingered much longer than I have seen it do in the past, and kept gesturing to the large tower where 'tis said that the Wizard lives. When I mentioned the Wizard, the Shadow shivered, as if in fear or disgust. So many folk were there, and asking so many questions, that the Shadow did seem to grow confused and hesitant, but I do believe that it indicated that it is composed of the souls of numerous folk who have died in this castle, and that they wish to be separated into individual souls once more.

The Shadow did also leave to visit the Dove Tower, where it did apparently gaze upon the door for some time, and gesture to the folk who saw it there. It then returned to the terrace, and did continue to stare and point at the Wizard's tower. Then, when Catharsis did arrive, the Shadow stared at her -- as if in fear or horror -- and then did vanish and disappear into the walls again. Weeks ago, some did speculate that sera Catharsis had used dark magics to win the Strength competition in the Knighthood Quest, as all knew her sword skills to be far inferior to those of Martel and the Armsman ... I wonder ... I wonder why the Shadow looked at her so?

February the 22nd, and a Thursday

Armsman Philo did find me in my usual quiet place today -- on the roof where there is less interruption by Newly Awakened rudely demanding immediate sword instruction -- and we did talk long, mostly about poetry, for I was seeking his advice about the sonnets I have been attempting to write for my sister Katherine's classes. I do remember that the Armsman -- then only Watchman -- did recite a sonnet at the Poets' Convocation so many months ago, and I also remember being quite impressed with the metaphor he had constructed. I admit I have no talent for metaphor, and rarely understand them when others use them. The Armsman does seem to know much of poetry -- from memories from his past, I imagine -- and so he offered me some advice and reassurance about my efforts. We also spoke idly of many other things, and it was pleasant to enjoy the company of my friend with relatively few interruptions. For once, he was not immediately summoned to deal with some matter of law or danger, and we were able to talk more relaxedly than we have in months. The Armsman has given me leave to address him by his first name when we are alone in conversation ... but as even in my own private thoughts and journals he is always 'The Armsman', I know not if I shall be able to do so. And yet it feels oddly formal to call him 'Armsman' when we are in friendly conversation, having known each other so long and having been such good friends. A quandary.

Then this eve was the Duelists' meeting, and I fear I angered Kiera by a request I made that ser Andrew and ser Edouard speak elsewhere on a private conversation they were having ... for it seemed to be rude to the prospective guild members in attendance. I fear that I myself spoke rudely, and I can only guess that Kiera felt I showed disrespect to the elder triad. I did not intend to do so, and have sent a scroll to her apologizing ...

I fear my temper in recent weeks has been intransigent, and I may have offended many. I have been endeavoring most earnestly in recent days to amend this, after a discussion with sera Anabeth about my feeling that folk have lately been turning from me and seeming to fear my ire. I want not be feared and resented ... and so I am attempting to learn better control over my temper. 'Tis well I never sought position as a Counselor, as my temper clearly makes me ill-suited for such a role in the castle.

February the 23rd, and a Friday

A tiring, wearying day of helping Newly Awakened, explaining over and over again why I would not immediately fetch practice blades to offer sword instruction upon demand, all day long, defending repeatedly my own right to have a life outside the practice room ... my right to say 'no' to impatient folk who want swords in their hands for the asking.

In the eve, I did attend Kiera's sword practice, where she kindly allowed me much time with the blade, to help prepare me for serving as Duraze's champion in his upcoming duel with sera Catharsis. In whispers, I did also at long last directly address Robert's apparent dislike for me, which has long discomfited me, but which I have been loathe to mention to him as I see little remedy for it. He clearly has little respect for me, and has shown such in so many ways over the months ... but is it necessary to feel affection in order to be loyal? I still trust him as one of my oath-kin, even as I know there is no personal bond. I do believe his understanding of loyalty to the guild is different from my own (for I would never, for example, throw water upon and publicly humiliate one of my oath-kin when they attempted to defend their honor against the attack of one who would not accept a challenge). Martel has many times said that if a Duelist was in trouble, he would jump to their aid without asking questions, trusting that their cause was just. Robert has never once accorded me that type of loyalty. Not once that I can remember. I did suggest to Robert that mayhap sometime soon we might talk more privately, to try to better understand each other, and he did agree ... but in the end the conversation did upset me so that I did leave the practice to seek my own privacy.

I was not quite myself the rest of the evening, for the conversation with Robert had wearied me more than I had realized. I have retired early ... after a long conversation with Mintle, who walked me to my room. I asked Mintle's advice on the usual subjects, upon which she is so much more knowledgeable than I, and she did again give me wise and gentle counsel. Martel has shown so little interest in me of late that the issues might in fact be moot, but I am happy to feel more certain in my own heart about what I feel would be right ... whether the issue arises or no. I must admit I have been feeling lonely again, as I did in those days before Zero and I became so close. I hope I learned from that experience, however, and so will talk to Martel of my feelings, as soon as I can catch his attention for long enough.

A tiring day, with little of happiness in it. I have seen Sara and ser Harwood but little of late, and cannot remember the last time I made a snow angel ... or the last time I danced in a courtyard. Mayhap I will find happiness in my dreams.

February the 24th, and a Saturday

I have been so tired and cross lately, so impatient and fractious. I fear I have been impatient even with Martel, pouting that he spends too little time with me. I know not if an illness has been coming upon me or if I have merely been working so hard that I have overtired myself, but today during the meeting of the Courtesy Circle, I did suddenly collapse, and woke some time later in bed. I find myself tired and weak, and wish that someone dear to me were near to offer comfort ... but what will give me best comfort is no doubt sleep. And so I shall retire to dreams again, and hope to feel stronger on the morrow.