Punzel's Private Journal

February the 26th, and a Monday

Yesterday I slept most of the day. I fear I have been working too hard of late, and must take the time to pass on some responsibilities to others. I have been trying to do so, but always seem too busy to take the time to find others to help. I will make a more concerted effort.

Today I spoke with Robert about our frequent disagreements, and we have agreed to start fresh. I would like to better understand his own ideas about honor, and loyalty, and what it means to be a Duelist ... as they seem very different from my own. I hope that sometime soon we might sit down to talk together, so that he might better understand me, as well. Mayhap a question game.

And this eve on my way to retire, I was witness to a most disturbing scene, when Watchman Gareth and ser Morte did argue in the corridor. Many concerned citizens were present when the Watchman did admit to having restrained ser Morte with no warning or provocation, and then having threatened the ser with physical violence. I know not what to think, but was greatly distressed, for I respect the Winter Watch, but ... such behavior seems abusive to me. How can we trust the Watchmen if they use their power so?

February the 27th, and a Tuesday

Today I had a most distressing conversation with Armsman Philo, in which he did advise me that some folk have been upset with me and speaking ill of me, without talking to me directly. He said that folk seem to find me controlling, which was never my intention ... and that other folk (or mayhap the same folk?) doubt my good intentions and see me as ambitious. He also told me that some of the folk who speak so when I am not about do claim to my face to be my friends. The Armsman himself called such behavior deceitful, and I must admit to feeling horribly betrayed and hurt. I would hope that friends would speak to me directly if I did something they did not like ... but it now seems that I can no longer know who is truly friend, and who does merely wear that face in my presence. For the Armsman could not tell me who it was who spoke so, as 'twas told to him in confidence.

We talked long on what I could do to better this situation, as I like not knowing that I am offending folk. I am embarrassed to admit that I wept, but the Armsman was very gentle and held me and comforted me. Unfortunately, the Armsman does not know what behavior it is that these folk find objectionable, and so he was able to offer little advice about what I should do.

So now I know that folk -- even some who call themselves my friends -- are thinking and speaking ill of me ... but I know not what I can do to help the situation, nor whom to ask. I feel helpless, and hurt, and unsure who to trust.

February the 28th, and a Wednesday

This day was a strange one for me, as I walked the castle unsure, when folk greeted me warmly and smiled at me, whether they were honest folk who like me or whether they dislike me and wear only a friendly face. Luckily, it was a day of good news, despite my hesitancy.

While waiting to speak to the Lord Chamberlain, I encountered Seeker Margaret, and it seems she did never receive my scrolls apologizing and requesting to speak with her about our misunderstanding regarding the Courtesy Circle so many weeks ago. We have resolved to talk privately soon, that we may both put this behind us and reclaim the friendship that once was dear to both of us.

Then Martel and I did speak with the Lord Chamberlain, and did receive official permission to wed. I know not if such is necessary in this place, but it pleased and excited us both. Martel still thinks on his token, and I await mine own, which has already been ordered.

And in the eve, the Duelists did hold a party for our prospective members, which went quite well, I think. Much beer was drunk (though not by me, of course) and general merriment ensued. Martel sang drinking songs, and many folk danced, and the air of friendship in the room was a balm to my heart after yestereve's news.

March the 2nd, and a Friday

I fear I did not write in this journal yestereve because ... I did not sleep in my own room! At long last, I spent the night in Martel's arms, and awakened to his kisses on my face. We slept clothed, of course ... we still are not certain what behaviors are appropriate before marriage. I walked the day in a daze of happiness. Other things happened, both today and yesterday, but I care not to write of them. I would prefer to retire to my sleep thinking only of Martel's arms around me, his gentleness and his love.

March the 3rd, and a Saturday

Today I spoke with Seeker Margaret, ending in much hugging and many happy tears. Our friendship is restored, though the Armsman's warning still haunts me. Margaret did tell me, during our talk, that sera Addreama had been making accusations against sera Charmiam, and claiming that I instigated the attacks. I left our conversation to lead the Courtesy Circle meeting, but sought sera Charmiam as soon as possible afterward, and we too ended with hugs and tears. I know not if sera Charmiam and I will ever be friends, but I do believe that she has been wronged recently, and I am quite angry that my name was used in wronging her. I will seek out sera Addreama tomorrow, to speak to her on this.

It seems that so many of late are gossiping ... talking ill of others who are not present, instead of speaking directly to folk to clear misunderstandings. I find it very distressing, but know not what to do about it, how to help. I think many are being hurt by this, which is unkind and concerns me much. Mayhap I should speak to the Seekers about this, or the Counsel? I know not what any of us can do to help, except avoid gossip ourselves.