Punzel's Private Journal

March the 4th, and a Sunday

This eve I served as my oath-brother Duraze's champion in his duel with sera Catharsis (soon to be Dame Catharsis). Duraze was recently injured quite seriously, and so was unable to duel on his own behalf, and so I was honored to represent him. Sera Catharsis has sworn an oath of some sort to avoid dueling (I understand it not, nor how she hopes to perform her duties as a knight if she will not wield her blade.), and so Watchman Lucas stood as her champion. I was victorious on my brother's behalf, and the Watchman was injured in the side, which caused me unexpected distress. I have always been prepared to suffer injury in a duel, but had never thought of how I would feel upon injuring another. Seeing the Watchman kneeling in pain on the floor of the Practice Hall ... I knew not what to do. I wanted to help, or apologize ... neither of which seemed appropriate. I fear I even forgot -- in my worry -- to curtsy to him at the end of the duel, as would be courteous to do. I have asked my uncle Lobo to tell me how the Watchman fares, and I will anxiously await word.

March the 5th, and a Monday

I hear that Watchman Lucas's wound is not serious, and that he was even walking about this day. I am so glad to hear it, as my own duel wound did keep me confined to my bed for some days, and much weakened for some weeks, and I was concerned for the Winter Watch and also for Watchman Lucas if such were true also in this case. The Watchman states that he will avoid sword practice for a time, but continue with his other duties. Such good news!

I spent much of this day in pleasant conversation with my sister Illiana, and Watchman Artegal did even join us for part of a question game. In the evening, I met with Robert and we did talk long in my private room. I think we may understand each other a bit better now, and I certainly feel more affection for him ... more friendship ... than had previously developed between us. This pleases me greatly, as I have long wished for such.

This eve some were speaking most confusingly and distressingly about ser Sinistrelle. They said that he had been attempting to perform some magic, and had been consumed by the red stone which he did always carry about with him. I understand it not ... but many were concerned and racing about. I hope that news may be more clear on the morrow.

March the 7th, and a Wednesday

I again spent last night in Martel's room, and therefore did not write any entry in this journal. We have been spending much time alone together of late, often sitting in his room together before the fire, both writing and answering scrolls, or he sorting through entries for the contest he is sponsoring -- works of art in praise of Her Majesty -- while I work on ideas for the Courtesy Circle or write new poems. And these two nights of sleeping in his arms have been like heaven. Sometimes I want not to leave this room, and simply stay in his arms forever. But we both have friends we wish to see ... and also still seek to do good and help others in this place. And hiding together in his room does little to serve Her Majesty. And so we go about our business, but seek time alone whenever we may.

In important news, Faer has returned! I still have not seen her, myself, but the other Duelists tell me that she is returned, but with no memory of the time she has been gone, just as Martel after he is called to the Dove Tower. Apparently it was ser Darcient -- whom I trust as far as I could throw Martel, and that is not very far -- who led her to her friends. All are concerned at her loss of memory, and the strange ring she wears, but there is of course great joy that she is returned to us after some weeks of absence!

Today I did remember me, during some conversation with Margaret and the Armsman, of the cloak clasp that ser Joachim did give me so many months ago. I remembered it because they were speaking of the dragons pictured in some of the portraits in the portrait gallery, and also of the red stones. The cloak clasp ser Joachim did give to me was composed of dragon's claws, with red stones ... I had never thought anything of it, though the circumstances in which it was given to me had always struck me as strange. Mintle now wears the clasp, and I must remember to comment to her on this strangeness.

And today I did speak with both Elea and Philo (how strange it feels to write their names so informally!), and both did urge me to address them by their first names. For if one is always so formal with one's friends, one cannot relax ... nor can they. And so I am trying. It feels disrespectful, but I do not want to hold my friends at a distance. And I have long considered Elea and Philo good friends. I hope I will become accustomed to using their first names, with practice, even though it is most uncomfortable at present.

March the 8th, and a Thursday

This eve in the Duelists' meeting, I did learn terribly distressing news that my oath-sister is in danger from ser Morte. I know not why she had kept this from me, nor why she had specifically led me to believe, all those weeks ago, that she was in no future peril from him ... but I felt betrayed by her secrecy and her intransigence in her mode of telling us this eve. I fear I did flee the meeting in anger and frustration, an act which led me to understand how very unbalanced I have been in recent weeks.

To try to regain my balance, I have resolved to spend the majority of my time in coming days to quiet prayer and meditations. I hope that these efforts will leave me better able to help those I seek to aid in the Outer Bailey, and also to be a good and patient friend. I shall continue to attend guild meetings and other scheduled events, but shall otherwise spend much of my time in the privacy of the shrine or my room. And with Martel, of course, as he does only ever serve to help my balance.

March the 9th, and a Friday

I did receive a scroll from Edanya this day, clarifying that she had not meant to deceive me when she did speak to me about ser Morte those weeks ago, but that she had truly believed her words at the time. I will hope to talk to her soon, that we may put this misunderstanding behind us and I may offer her what support I can in this frightening situation.

I visited the shrine several times over the course of the day, and feel the change in my balance already beginning ... but such is not a fast process. And I fear I have lost trust in most those of the Faith to help me in that process, as they seem to judge me without making any attempt to offer aid. Such still does wound me, but I hope that through continued prayer and meditations I may better understand and forgive them. Though I wear no leaf, I have endeavored as best I can to follow the precepts of Natura Balanus throughout the more than five months since I did awaken here. I do often fail, as I have done much in recent weeks. Mayhap that is why one joins the Faith ... to receive their offers of aid when one is unbalanced, rather than their private censure. I would hope that they would willingly offer aid to all who are unbalanced, but mayhap such is not possible.

March the 10th, and a Saturday

I fear today I behaved rashly, and have posted a public missive as a result. I will withdraw almost completely from society in the coming days, to focus on my balance and my path, though I hope to be with Martel as much as is possible. His strength and goodness do only ever help me in my quest for balance and honor.

In the Courtesy Circle meeting this day, Watchman Gareth talked endlessly about some sort of dueling quest he proposes, which involves challenging all sword-carrying Outer Bailey guests to duel him in turn. This led me to muse aloud about my own beliefs on what is worth dueling over and what is not. Given my current confusion about the Duelists, and combined with constant interruptions and a frustrating lack of focus on the topic of courtesy, despite my repeated requests .... Well, in the end I simply called a rather abrupt and early end to the meeting, apologized, and left to pray.

Add to this the fact that I hear disturbing things about Faer, and now Edanya and I have heard distressing news about our oath-brother. We have sent Duraze a missive to speak with him, that we may learn the truth from his own lips, that our triad may gather, as has become so rare. We have seen him but little in recent weeks, as he rarely even attends guild meetings or sword practices. He seems a stranger to me now.

I have been thinking much on my balance, and whether 'tis harmed by the intrigues that surround me in the Duelists' Circle. I have been thinking much about the oaths I swore at my induction, and how well I am honoring them, and how I might honor them best. I must find my path again ... I feel as one lost, wandering in darkness. I gaze at the candles in the shrine and pray for light to guide me ... light within my own heart.