Punzel's Private Journal

March the 13th, and a Tuesday

Nearly six months now since my awakening in this place, since Her Majesty Queen Vivienne graced me with this second chance at my dreams. In recent weeks I have lost touch with the forces that light my path toward the fulfillment of those dreams, and in recent days I have meditated much upon my guiding principles: balance, service, and honor.

Balance has been a goal for me since almost my first day in this place. My imbalance upon awakening was great ... I was very frightened, so frightened that I dared not even be myself truly. I have tried to follow the precepts of Natura Balanus since before I had even read them ... for they were inscribed upon my heart as one of the goals I believe I am meant to achieve in this place. I must admit, however, that some of the precepts present greater challenges to me in my daily life than do others. I believe my greatest obstacles to balance are pride and impatience ... with the result that I fear I often fail in honoring the precept that advises:

Do not think that the knowledge you presently possess is changeless or absolute truth. Avoid being narrow-minded and bound to present views. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to listen and learn. Practice listening to other's views, in order to be open to receive and respect others' viewpoints.

I try, but I fear I often fail. I find that the Priestess Nadira is often a great comfort to me in my quest for balance, but that her Seekers do offer me little guidance. In my own struggles I try to remember the last precept of the Faith:

Do not believe that each of us follows each and every of these precepts perfectly. We fail in many ways. None of us can fully fulfill any of these. However, we strive toward the goal and toward balance within and without. No words can replace practice; only practice can make the words.

I continue my quest for balance, my struggle with my own failings. I fear I often struggle alone, but I must try not to lose sight of that personal quest by becoming too busy with other duties. 'Tis a duty to myself, and also -- I believe in my heart -- a duty to Her Majesty, to prove myself worthy of the gift she has offered me. My quest for balance must go on.

Service to Her Majesty and her guests in this place motivates me in so many ways that I fear it often blinds me to my other guiding principles. When I see a need, I want to answer it. When I see a way in which I might help, I rush to do so. I fear I often offer help when it is not desired ... and also offer more help than I have energy to give. And yet I think I also do much good in this place.

In every way that I can, I render service unto Her Majesty. As an Awakener, I try to make Her new guests comfortable, help them find their way in the world into which She has brought them in Her gracious wisdom. As a Poet, I seek to chronicle events such as the Winter Ball, bring Her Majesty's words to Her subjects, celebrate the gifts we are given, and entertain Her guests. As a Duelist, I seek to uphold and defend honor to make this a good and safe place for all who live here, and also to honor Her Majesty through the manner in which I bear my sword. Through the Courtesy Circle, I seek to help ease folk's interactions with each other ... minimize misunderstandings, prevent hurt feelings, and increase general comfort in social situations ... attempting to bring greater peace and prosperity to Her Majesty's realm and also to prepare Her guests to behave toward Her in ways that would honor Her.

Honor has been mayhap the largest motivating force in my life since my decision to join the Duelists, these many months ago. In my recent meditations, I have come to realize that my own personal definition of honor consists of six prime concepts:

• Truth: I try to be ever honest and worthy of trust, as well as standing in defense of what is true and against what is false in the world around me. This was why, so long ago, I decided that I could no longer keep my true identity a secret ... I felt that my honor demanded honesty and truth.
• Justice: I feel that I must stand for what is right and just, and not only what is lawful. I must protect those who are innocent, and speak against those who are guilty. When one is unjustly treated, I must speak in their defense. When I treat someone unjustly -- as I do sometimes, as I am not my own ideal and do still endeavor each day to be more worthy and honorable -- I must acknowledge this both to myself and to those I have wronged.
• Courage: I must not allow myself to be frightened away from respecting these other facets of honor. Defense of truth or justice, for example, may sometimes carry harsh potential penalties. I attempt to be brave in the face of all dangers and threats, including my own weaknesses. If I cringe from admitting my own failings, I show not true courage.
• Modesty: Humility, respect for those who have earned it, and admission of my own fallibility are all crucial to my own definition of honor. I endeavor to avoid becoming proud or arrogant, and yet to respect others, including those who honor me with their own regard. 'Tis sometimes a difficult path to walk.
• Generosity: I endeavor to be generous with my time, my energy, my attention, my belongings, my forgiveness, and my mercy.
• Diligence: And yet I feel that none of these things amounts to true honor if they are offered only laxly. True honor, in my mind, requires hard-working diligence of purpose ... constant action and not only philosophy.

It is no coincidence that many of the facets of my definition of honor also overlap with my thoughts on courtesy, for I find courtesy and honor to be related though not identical. They are, mayhap, two sides to the same coin: honor relating to one's relationship with one's own internal self, and courtesy relating to one's relationship with others. I know not ... and must think on this relationship further in my meditations.