Punzel's Private Journal

October the 17th

Today I did hear a rumor that there is to be a "Giving Day" sometime soon. I understand that each guest in the castle is to give a gift to one other guest. I know not what I have that would be worthy as a gift. I must think.

And I must ask someone about this "Giving Day" ... perhaps the good Watchman Philo knows more?

October the 18th

This eve I did meet the beautiful sera Evayne, leader of The Rememberers, and I do understand now why my friend Ser Lobo does admire her. She seemed most courteous and kind. I am glad to have met her.

She did speak briefly of the Castle, and did mention to me that some do say that the castle is built on the bones of those with unfulfilled dreams. I cannot stop thinking about that idea. If it were so ... if it were so ...

What is my unfulfilled dream?

October the 19th

This morn I did meet with Ser Martel in the Tailor's rooms. We did speak at length about judging people based on appearances, about my feeling that he had unfairly dismissed me immediately as a child. I did insist that I would be judged on my conduct, on my self and soul, rather than on my appearance.

Ser Martel did suggest that I might be treated less as a child if I were less awkward. I find that difficult, however, for I am so discomfited by large groups of people, especially strangers. I only feel truly at my ease when with Sera Katherine, or when reciting my poetry. When reciting, I do lose myself in my tale ... I do lose all sense of people as dangers to me, and see only the audience's delight in their eyes.

At Ser Martel's suggestion, however, I am going to try to wear a braver face. Yesterday, I did protect Sera Nastasha from Ser Thanos in the courtyard, and I was proud of my own bravery. I will try to remember that feeling, and find it again.

Mayhap I do know my unfulfilled dream.

October the 20th

Today I did talk with both Ser Martel and the good Watchman Philo about their hurt and anger toward each other, above and beyond the ridiculous enmity between The Duellists and The Winter Watch.

I do care so much about both of them ... they are the two people I do admire and respect the most in the entire castle, perhaps my two closest friends (aside from Katherine, of course) ... and it does hurt me greatly to see them both in such pain. And so much of it due to misunderstandings and lack of communication! It breaks my heart. But not as much as it breaks theirs.

I must admit, despite my admiration for Ser Martel, that I did feel most sorry for the Watchman. He did consider Martel his friend, and was shut out without even knowing the reason. He was even accused, of terrible things, by this man whom he had trusted. I now feel that I better understand the Watchman's feelings. In a man of such intense emotion, hurt must have its expression ... and so he gets angry.

I have resolved not to take sides in this matter, but to try to be a good friend to both. I think they both need a friend who will listen. I hope I can be that friend. It would be a true honor.

October the 21st

The nightmare again last night. Why does it plague me so? I did wake in the night, bathed in sweat despite the chill, and did stare around me at the darkness. In that moment, I did wish that I were not so alone in this castle. But in that moment I was also aware of the men in all the rooms of the castle, surrounding me, as the men did surround me in my dream. And I was glad of my four walls.

I stared into the blackness for hours, listening to my heartbeat, until the sun did rise.

I did find myself with little patience, after these consecutive sleepless nights, with the foolishness in the Refectory this evening, when Zero had lost his voice after a kiss from the White Lady. There was much merry talk of passing the curse along to Ser Victor, or Ser Retribution, or Ser Tobriand who does so plague the good Sera Elea of the Poets' Brotherhood. But I felt not merry, and did leave my friends -- for both Ser Lobo and Ser Martel were present in the Refectory -- and did retire to my room to write in this journal.

And so here I sit, within my four walls again, awaiting the nightmare which will return to me ere long.

Some in this castle do long to remember. Why cannot I forget?