Courtesy in Courtship

My fellow guests of the Outer Bailey,

The Courtesy Circle has discussed courtship extensively, and I present here our thoughts on the subject. Please bear in mind that these opinions are not to be taken as rules that must be followed in every case, but rather as our own thoughts on the best courtesy in Outer Bailey courtship. Some folk may choose to conduct courtships of varying levels of formality, and so we offer these opinions only to aid those who do wish to behave with the best courtesy.

Respectfully,
Viola, Courtesy Circle Mistress

General Courtesy Guidelines for Outer Bailey Courtship

Though the guidelines for courtship in the Inner Bailey might be much more formal, courtship in the Outer Bailey has only a few guidelines, the most important of which is this:

A couple should never (at any stage in courtship) behave in a way that makes those around them uncomfortable.

If others in the room seem disturbed by any displays of affection, the couple should take their interactions somewhere more private to avoid causing discomfort to others. Note that differing degrees of affection may be appropriate in different company, as some folk are more or less sensitive to embarrassment. It should be ever remembered that proper courtesy requires consideration for the comfort of others.

Some find all public displays of affection beyond hand-holding and chaste kissing to be improper, while others are less strict. Those who look to the Inner Bailey for guidance will notice that nobles are rarely seen exhibiting public affection beyond that which is most chaste and gallant. Therefore, if you wish to favorably impress those above you in station, you may wish to behave more discreetly than otherwise.

It is courteous throughout courtship to offer small gifts, including but not limited to flowers, poetry, drawings, and jewelry. In giving gifts, one should consider the receiver and what would please him or her. It is also courteous to make thoughtful arrangements for romantic meetings, including but not limited to dancing and picnics.

The Stages of Outer Bailey Courtship

1. Friendship (at least one week)
   At this stage, the parties involved might progress from referring to each other by the formal 'ser' and 'sera' to the more intimate usage of each other's first names. Both parties should respectfully use this time to become well enough acquainted to know whether they might wish to become more than just friends.
2. Pressing suit (at least one week)
   At this stage, the parties involved may (or may not) publicly display their affection by holding hands or hugging. Couples who kiss at this stage should only do so privately. Also at this stage, the sera might allow more than one suitor, and the ser might press suit to more than one sera ... as long as both parties are honest with all involved so that no feelings are hurt. The parties should use this time to become well enough acquainted to know whether they wish to pursue an exclusive courtship arrangement.
3. Courting (at least four weeks)
   At this stage, the couple agree to court exclusively, admitting no other suitors as long as the courting is in effect. If one chooses another suitor, they should officially end the courting before doing so. Courting couples may choose to kiss in public, though again they should be careful to avoid causing discomfort to other folk around them. The couple uses this time in exclusive courtship to learn whether they are well enough suited to wish to pursue the path toward marriage, that they might respect the solemnity of that path by not rushing to it hastily.
4. Betrothal
   At this stage, a couple begins the path toward marriage, under the advisement of an Acolyte-Natura. To break a betrothal is like unto breaking an oath, and so betrothal should be entered into only with great seriousness and certainty.
5. Marriage
   When a couple has completed the entire wedding process with the guidance of the Faith, they are married. Armsman Artegal and Acolyte-Natura Illiana are the first couple to have wed in the Outer Bailey since the new awakenings, and therefore are an example of appropriate behavior for married couples.

Ending Courtship

If a couple is in the stage of pressing suit, and one party wishes to end the suit, they may do so quite informally, though they should endeavor to inform the other party.

If a couple is in the stage of formal courting, and one party wishes to end the courting, they should inform the other party in person if at all possible. If one party is absent with no significant contact for one month, the courtship may (but need not necessarily) be considered to be ended, though the remaining party may wish to send a scroll to this effect, in case of the return of the other. After ending formal courting, a courteous person ideally waits at least two weeks before entering another formal courting arrangement, though this depends heavily upon circumstances.

If a couple is in the stage of betrothal, and one party wishes to end the betrothal, such should be done with great solemnity. As stated above, to break a betrothal is like unto breaking an oath. This should be done in person if at all possible, though if one party is absent with no significant contact for one month, the betrothal may (but need not necessarily) be considered to be ended, though the remaining party should send a scroll to this effect. After ending a betrothal, a courteous person ideally waits at least one month before entering a new formal courting arrangement -- out of respect for the solemnity of the ended relationship -- though this depends to some extent upon circumstances.

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